Fantastic Fest 2026 – Day 2

You have to select your movies (if you’re a peasant with a Fan level badge like me) at 10 AM sharp every day, when a solid thousand fest-goers all click reload in a frenzy trying to be the first ones in. I got 4 out of 5 of my first picks, but in the first slot I couldn’t get into “Ghost In The Cell” and went with my backup, Roma Elastica.

Roma Elastica – A 1980s glam Italy fever dream. The most European movie it is possible to make. Well, southern Europe, so it makes moping and death look good. (Eastern Europe makes moping and death look brutal and Northern Europe makes moping and death look philosophical. That’s your 101 guide to European cinema.) Anyway, Marion Cotillard is a (slightly) aging French actress with a newly discovered brain tumor who goes to 1980s Italy to film a movie. The movie is ridiculous, the people are ridiculous, her pain not so much. It’s like if you took a very vague idea about what The Substance is about and made it sooooo European. Fair warning, I laughed out loud a good number of times but I think I was the only one who did. It’s satire but a weird kind of satire. Often I find films about filmmaking/actors to be dreadful and narcissistic but so far she’s 2 for 2 on making it work (last year’s The Ice Tower was also really good). Anyway, you have to go into this one with the right mindset and have fun with it. 3/5

Then the high point of the day was another film whose lead was dying of cancer! Talk about a theme.

Death of a Yellow Bird – A guy with a terminal cancer diagnosis goes to his old family home to hang out alone and come to grips with it. But is he alone? What’s the deal with his father and his brother? This one is really good, a VHS-tape supernatural slow burn tension builder about family trauma and healing.
I did see the “twist” coming a mile away but it kept me on the edge of my seat till the end. Well acted (basically one actor, not counting videos, memories, and voices on the phone), directed, shot, sound design, really good. And not gruesome at all, it’s family safe (though scary). 4.5/5.

Then, a very promising premise that didn’t deliver.

Kung Fu Deadly – An Irish movie set in modern Dublin where jiangshi (Chinese hopping vampires) led by an undead Chinese pirate lady are revived by a feckless vaping… mobster (?) and attack! Or at least disrupt the rat population and take over a karaoke lounge. A Chinese-Irish version of Simon Pegg and an African-Irish version of Nick Frost who are brothers (?) who work as exterminators fight them off with the powers of… Ancient Chinese magic? Family? Chinese dance? Spice bags and Guinness? Not a bad premise but the humor and action were lacking and the melodrama gave me diabetes. It’s a shame. There’s a cool coin sword and everything. But not enough kung fu, not enough hopping vampires. 2.5/5

Godmother – Hmm, it’s tough to review this one without giving the big twist away… OK light spoiler warning, because this starts out like your usual Airbnb slasher (a young couple goes to a desert house rental for a romantic weekend, her wild sister tags along, and the old folks of the area are weird…) and ends up like Rosemary’s Baby meets Hellraiser. Quite a ride! And the production of this indie film sounds equally grueling. Filmed in 16 days, co-written by Alanah Pearce from the game Dispatch and eventually given money by streamer Jacksepticeye to get it over the finish line. The result is a really good horror movie! Great performances by both female leads. 4/5

And Alanah Pearce was in attendance! She’s built like Malevola in real life. The next movie was a “secret screening”, which means you don’t know what it is until you’re in the theater! Speculation was rampant about what it’d be, the majority seemed to think a new V/H/S movie, but not so…

In a Violent Nature: Part 2 – Basically an updated Friday the 13th where an implacable undead killer with an old timey fireman mask instead of a hockey mask and the most tenuous of backstories rips his way through a summer camp. You get about 5-10 minutes of setup and then it’s full tilt kill. This is one of those movies that has no point except to innovate around the gruesomeness of the murders, stretching the limits of special effects and taste. Getting hacked in two with a hatchet is the most mundane way to go in this one; camp counselors get various objects pushed through them and are dismembered and decapitated and blood eagled for a couple hours. It doesn’t have the touch of whimsy of a Terrifier movie (winking hell clown murders!), it’s just murder porn. Not my cup of tea, but well done for what it is. At least the main kid has a character arc (debatably). I’ll give it a point for good cinematography even at night. 2/5

And that’s 5 films down! More to come on Day 3.

Fantastic Fest 2026 – Day 1

I went to Fantastic Fest for the first time in 2009, and have been off and on since – 2010, 2011, 2013, 2015, 2023, 2024, 2025, and now 2026! Eight solid days of film-watching. It is “genre” film, which is a weird term that means horror, scifi, “foreign”… Basically anything non-mainstream.

The fest kicked off with a big feature…

Resident Evil! An organ delivery driver is given a special package to go to Raccoon City General Hospital and – if you know anything about Resident Evil that’s ’nuff said. A completely different take on Resident Evil than all the previous incoherent actioners, by the director of Weapons and Barbarian. It was humorous and scary in turns, going for an Evil Dead 2 sort of vibe. Many of the shots were video gamey but not, you know, bad, as you might be led to expect by that statement. The action is nonstop and gruesome, these aren’t just zombies, it’s tentacle mutating body horror from the jump and escalated over the course of our hapless everyman’s journey. A fun watch. 3.5/5

Then it was snakey time, hence all the snake decor.

Beware Boiúna – A medical volunteer mission on the Amazon runs afoul of both colonizers and jumbo sized wildlife. Can be summed up as “a better Anaconda” in terms of effects and most technical measures. Is nature or man more ruthless? Well, one has a giant ass snake in play. But team human has a scrappy indigenous girl! Filmed on location along the Amazon. Not Werner Herzog by any means but a solid giant creature feature. Well made by Michael P. Nelson, director of last year’s “Silent Night, Deadly Night” reboot and solid if B-movie acting from the leads. And I got to hold a big snake they had as a promo. 3/5

One of the two female leads was Jessica Rothe, who was starring in three movies at the fest! Scream Queen of 2026 for sure.

The Glorious Dead – By the Adams family, a local fest favorite family/group that generates a movie a year plus or minus. A small town sheriff, Deb, has weird things start to happen in town. Sounds like half the streaming series out now right? Well this is a really small rural town and the sheriff is used to everyone being crackpots or helpless and wanting random handyman help from her so it takes a good number of weird reports to get her attention but then it gets really weird and gruesome fast. A horror comedy about the dead coming back to life, but a much different take on it than you’d expect. I liked the premise – but it was the late movie and they needed to edit it, they went through the same core loop of being confronted by the problem/doing the same thing about the problem/seeing that doesn’t work 3 full times and I was falling asleep by the third. It’s only 81 minutes long though. 2.5/5, 3/5 after an edit.

The first night of the fest was a success – kind of a downward trend over the evening, but whatver! I was up fresh and early for day 2…

The Fantasy Trip: First Session – Tower of the Moon

TFT First Session Summary – Our first game of TFT was going to be a one-shot. Bruce ran and four of us played:

Chris – Harbben, Tough Warrior
Ernest – Karla Dawn Spark, Feisty Mage
Patrick – Taetzelwisp, Elf Archer
Tim – Agbor Ironfoot, Dwarf Axeman

The setup was pretty simple, there’s a tower nearby that housed the priesthood of the moon goddess Lukariel until some crazed necromancer invaded, and now it’s a ruin. But a local noble’s daughter has ventured there to find goodies and hasn’t returned, so they want someone to go find her.

Taetzelwisp has taken the “Sex Appeal” talent, which makes him popular while we are in town. After some silver gearing up, as we hear there’s werewolves galore (or at least there used to be), we head to the place we can get a ferry across the lake.

The icon on the map looks like a bunch of teepees, which leads us inevitably to a reenactment of the classic Cannibal: The Musical (Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s pre-South Park movie) scene where a bunch of Japanese folks try to convince the settlers they are Indians. https://youtu.be/YEjpKBDMk8I?si=XhmTLMaDvcsvn3Oz

When we get to the tower, Karla casts her first spell, Summon Scout, to summon a rat to go look inside. She critically fails and the rat drops over dead immediately after arriving. This bodes ill, and we mill around a little until we go inside. We are immediately bearded by another batch of ruthless adventurers and a fight begins.

Karla uses “3-hex fire” for crowd control and that works pretty well, we work them down one by one in relative safety. After looting them, we get attacked by rats, to reinforce the fact we’re “first level” (there’s no levels in TFT, but you get the vibe).

Then it gets weird. We come across a ballroom with zombie musicians and dancing ghosts – they grab Agbor and drag him off dancing, which causes him to keep taking fatigue damage. A complex fight ensues where we have to pull the zombies off the balcony and outside the room so we don’t get danced to death by ghosts. We manage to finish them off before Agbor dances himself to death Lady Gaga style.

We find an obviously turned-to-stone elf woman, and sure enough there’s a cockatrice hiding behind a barrel in the room – we thought it would be in the barrel, so Karla set it on fire with her magic, but alas it was not singed. After a quick scuffle we emerge with the statue, and we set the menfolk to wrestling it up the stairs for later carting to civilization to see if anyone wanted to stone to flesh her.

Well, the good news is we find a shrine to Lukariel with a well that can undo enchantments, the bad news is we have to fight a werewolf and then Harbben gets turned into a werewolf compelled to protect the shrine until the next full moon. Luckily, a random 1d30 roll indicates that’s in a day.

The party hangs out. Taetzelwisp canoodles with the now-fleshy Sharilyn the elven huntress. Karla spends the time praying at the shrine – she finds the faith of Lukariel compelling. “Lukariel Sherikira, The Howling Huntress. Her portfolio included love, hunting, dance and wolves.” Pretty standard moon goddess kind of stuff. Plus, she develops a bit of a werewolf fetish.

We end up going back to get water from the well to disenchant things a bunch. You just have to put in a silver piece first to not get cursed. We also find a sexy werewolf.

Long story short we find and free the girl but discover there’s really no way for us to kill the ghost of the necromancer as being incorporeal is basically a TFT “win button” so we skedaddle with the girl, some loot, and our lives! Success.

Karla decides to bring back the cult of Lukariel, and dudes herself up in the priestess robes and holy symbols and magic staff and such found in the tower. This is the way old school games go – your character’s rules chassis isn’t very different from another’s, but adventuring gives you weird abilities and goals and such. So she gets a little cash and XP but comes out of the adventure pretty significantly transformed.

Before:

After:

We thought this was just a one-shot, but turns out our adventures were continued shortly – I’ll share that soon!

The Fantasy Trip RPG

The Fantasy Trip: Into the Labyrinth

Our gaming group has been playing all kinds of games over the last 20 years. Well, this one’s a blast from the past – there’s a gap between long term campaigns as Paul winds up his Dungeon Crawl Classics campaign and Tim gets his WH40K campaign started, so Bruce decided to run The Fantasy Trip!

What is The Fantasy Trip, you may ask? You’d be justified in asking because it comes from the 1970s. It was a game Steve Jackson worked on before he made his own game company, and is a progenitor to GURPS. It fell out of print in 1983 and languished until Steve managed to get the rights in 2017. Now it’s back in print! https://thefantasytrip.game/

He’s always wanted to run it so we are in! He did a one-shot initially, but since Tim is not always available we now have it as a side campaign.

It’s an old school brutal game, but “GURPS-ey” instead of “D&D-ey”. In play it’s pretty simple – 3 stats (Strength, Dexterity, IQ), 3d6 vs stat roll under, deal damage soaked by armor, Strength is hit points, spend hit points to cast spells. Pretty fast and deadly.

Preapring for play is a different story. I’ll be honest, it’s not organized as well as you would hope… I have done a couple rounds of trying to figure out the rules; even though he provided pregenerated characters, thank God, as it’s a point build system and if you don’t already know the system there’s a lot of traps. I tried loading the PDF into ChatGPT and it’s forever missing the little rule nuances as well. The rules are 178 pages and you really have to dig deep into them. The character generation is full of “you can’t do that” gotchas.

For example, the pregenerated character I picked up was Karla Dawn Spark, the feisty mage. She has a quarterstaff. But then it turns out I don’t have the strength to use a quarterstaff. Nor do I have the ‘talent’ required to do it so there’s a die penalty. I do have a spell called Staff III that lets it do occult strikes, so I can use it even so. But those strikes drain one of my 9 hit points whenever I do it. None of this was clear to me and was discovered over the course of 2 game sessions. (Bruce decided I could use the occult strikes without spending ST since apparently that was a new rule not in his old grognard version from the 1980s, which meant I can spend most of my time not cowering). Well, since I have a hand free maybe I can use a shield… No, I don’t have the talent for that. Can I buy it? Talents cost double for wizards. Except for Literacy, which has a special exception. It all kinda goes on like that.

I spent 2-3 hours last night trying to figure out if I could buy a magic item with the $1000 I got from the first adventure, and, if so, what it would do, and if when I did it if it would cost me ST or not. Heaven forfend we do much with “hand-to-hand” combat (like grappling) or illusions, there are pages and pages of rules on each.

But, once you manage to figure it out, it’s fun in play. And the characters are simple once created – here’s the list of pregens Bruce gave us for the first game. Built on 34 points, with an option to move to 35, and an equipment budget of about $1000 (average).

Harbben: Tough Warrior
ST 13
DX 12 (10)
IQ 9
MA 10 (8)
Talents: Toughness (2), Sword (2), Shield, Alertness (2), Ax/Mace (2)
Equipment: Leather armor (2 hits, -2 DX), Small shield (1 hit), Toughness (1 hit), Morningstar
(2d+1), Labyrinth kit, 4 days rations, Lantern, 2 bottles oil, 3 healing potions

Leilika Vecky: Quick Fencer
ST 10
DX 13 (12)
IQ 11
MA 10
Talents: Fencer (3), Sword (2), Detect Lies (2), Detect Traps (2), Bow (2)
Equipment: Fine Saber (2d), Cloth armor (1 hits, -1 DX), Horse Bow (1d), Fine Dagger (1d-1),
20 quarrels, Labyrinth Kit, 4 days rations, 3 healing potions
Note: -1 DX to attacks against her; parrying allows an extra die; -4 DX to do +1d damage

Agbor Ironfoot: Dwarf Axeman
ST 14
DX 11 (8) (9)
IQ 9
MA 10 (6)
Talents: Ax/Mace (2), Shield, Toughness 2 (4), Recognize Value, Literacy
Equipment: Magic Great hammer (2d+2, 2-hand, +1 DX), Chainmail (3 hits, -3 DX), Toughness
(2 hits), Labyrinth kit, 4 days Rations, 1 Healing potion

Delbin Truemoon: Scholarly Aristocrat
ST 12
DX 11 (9)
IQ 13
MA 10
Talents: Literacy, Pole Weapons (2), Knife, Physicker (2), Courtly Graces, Locksmith, Tactics,
Scholar (3), Crossbow
Equipment: Spear (1d, 1d+1 with 2 hands), Leather armor (2 hits), Physicker’s kit, Fine Dagger
(1d-1, +1 DX), Light Crossbow (2d), 20 quarrels, Labyrinth kit, 4 days Rations, Lantern, 2
bottles oil, 3 Healing Potions

Mary Nettles: Forest Witch
ST 10
DX 11 (10)
IQ 12
MA 10
Talents: Naturalist (2), Physicker (2), Bow (2), Silent Movement (2), Pickpocket, Priest, Sword
(2)
Equipment: Saber (2d-2), Cloth armor (1 hit), Physicker’s kit, Horse bow (1d), 20 arrows,
Labyrinth kit, 4 days Rations, 5 Healing potions
Advance: +1 DX, Leather armor (2 hits), MA 8

Karla Dawn Spark: Feisty Mage
ST 9
DX 12
IQ 13
MA 10
Spells: Fireball, Staff III, Freeze, Repair, Break Weapon, 3-Hex Fire, Shock Shield, Blur, Speed
Movement, Trip, Summon Scout
Talents: Literacy
Equipment: Striking Staff (1d, 2-hex range, +3 DX, 2 Mana), Labyrinth kit, 4 days Rations, 4
Healing potions, Reverse Missiles scroll

Charles Mux: Creator Mage
ST 12
DX 11
IQ 11
MA 10
Spells: Staff II, Silent Movement, Create Wall, Rope, Illusion, Summon Wolf, Blur, Aid, Reveal
Magic, Dark Vision
Talents: Literacy
Equipment: Manastaff (1d, 4 Mana), Labyrinth kit, 4 days Rations, 4 Healing Potions, Lock/
Knock Scroll

Like I said I was Karla Dawn Spark, so between me and ChatGPT I made an annotated character sheet to make sense out of what was going on – that’s much longer:

KARLA DAWN SPARK — FEISTY MAGE
ST 9 (HP + spell fuel)
DX 12 / 15 w/ staff
IQ 13
MA 10

  • Attack (staff): 3d6 ≤ 15 → 1d occult damage which bypasses armor and natural defenses, 2-hex reach (stay at 2 hexes whenever possible)
  • Spellcasting: 3d6 ≤ 12 → pay ST cost even on failure (don’t spam)
  • Staff III: +3 DX (included), 2-hex reach, 1d damage, counts as staff focus (you are a reliable melee threat, not backline only)
  • Turn flow: threatened → Blur or reposition; good control target → Trip or Freeze; safe → staff attack; clustered → 3-hex fire
  • Positioning rules: end where ≤1 enemy can hit you; prefer 2-hex distance; avoid adjacency to multiple enemies; movement > bad attack
  • ST management: start 9; stay ≥4 unless finishing fight; rotate spell → staff → staff → spell

Items:
Staff of Striking (1d, 2-hex range, +3 DX, 2 Mana) see p.148.  Immune to drop weapon, break weapon, critical failures.
4 Healing potions – use at ≤4 ST (don’t die holding them)
Labyrinth kit
4 days rations
Reverse Missiles (2 S + 1/T, IQ 11, T, p.23) scroll –  missiles or missile spells go back and hit their sender. use vs archers/ambush (hard counter ranged)

SPELLS (roll 3d ≤ 12 to cast, all costs in ST)
Attack

  • Fireball (1–3 ST, IQ 12, M) p.24, 135 ranged attack spell; 1d-1 per ST, will set things on fire; use before melee engagement (good opener)
  • 3-Hex Fire (2 ST, IQ 12, C) p.19, 23 creates fire covering 3 adjacent hexes; damages 4 hits and -2 DX anyone in area or 2 hits to anyone starting there/passing through it (though armor and protective spells work), IQ<8 won’t go through it; great vs clustered enemies (only cast when you can hit multiple targets)

Debuff

  • Trip (2 ST, IQ 10, T) p.21 target within range falls prone immediately (DX roll to hit target as normal for spells); prone targets are hit easily and lose actions getting up and must make a 4-die DX save to not fall into something adjacent (best default control)
  • Break Weapon (3 ST, IQ 12, T) p. 24 destroys or disables one weapon, shield, or staff halving damage; extremely strong vs heavy hitters (removes most of their damage output)
  • Freeze (4 ST, IQ 12, T) p.24 target is completely unable to act for 2d6 turns (no movement, no attacks, only spells 5 under IQ) (use on strongest enemy to remove from fight)

Defense

  • Blur (1 ST + 1 ST/turn, IQ 8, T) p.18 cast on yourself; attackers suffer -4 DX penalty to hit you; lasts till turned off; cast when you expect to be attacked (turns you from fragile to survivable)
  • Shock Shield (2 ST + 1 ST/turn, IQ 10, T) p.21 Does 1 die of damage to any other creature in the subject’s hex at the end of each turn the spell is on. Armor and shields don’t protect; lasts multiple turns; use if you’re forced into HTH with enemies (punishes swarmers).

Buff

  • Speed Movement (2 ST, IQ 10, T) p.21 doubles MA for 4 turns; lets you reposition, escape, or maintain 2-hex spacing (use to avoid being pinned)

Utility

  • Summon Scout (1 ST + 1 ST/minute) p.20 creates small weak creature like a rat or bat under your control; can see through its eyes to scout, trigger traps, or occupy enemies (use for utility/distraction, not damage)
  • Repair (6 ST, IQ 12, T) p.25 restores damaged item; non-combat utility (ignore during fights)
  • Staff III (5 ST, IQ 8, S) p. 18, 23, 26 makes a cool staff

SPELL NOTES

  • Missile spells are complicated (p.135)
  • Thrown spells are -1 DX per hex away (p.136)

DEFAULT PLAY PATTERN

  • Turn 1: Fireball at range or Fire for battlefield control
  • Turn 2: Trip or Freeze key target (control > damage)
  • Turn 3+: hold 2-hex range, staff attack, use Trip opportunistically, Blur if threatened

So far the world feels a lot like Dungeon Crawl Classics, but wizards aren’t quite as overwhelming. Dungeons have arbitrary super-magic stuff going on in good old fashion. I’ll share our adventures next!

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Forty-fourth Session

Forty-fourth Session – We continue our CQB-filled city fighting as we try to liberate Fythorp from the undead. We get to murder some live people too, as a bonus!

Lady Skeam

We continue to clear the Cider House, which still has poisoner monks in it that decided to serve Lady Skeam rather than skedaddle like the others we met on the road. Some of them are ambivalent about serving her but we just sweep and clear them, poison monks are bad enough, but bootlickers must go.

After we get through them, it’s into the salt mines, where we try to bluff our way in using poison monk robes but that goes to shit fast and we kill kill kill! Many of our foes are “salt-tongued cultists” which generates a lot of unfortunate speculation from the group.

We do capture an ex-acolyte of Alar who has been working for Skeam, but he seems penitent enough that we send him above to fight random undead in the streets to work it off.

We do stop to refill our lamprey milk dreaming drug from the Snuggoo cultists in the mines (that’s a long story, you need to read these summaries from the beginning…). They helpfully tell us a secret passage to get right to Skeam’s lair.

Fighting Lady Skeam is one of those complex environmental boss battles with soul pylons and skeam-bound skeletons emerging from pylons and such. We manage to kill her and avoid the whole lich-escaping-to-their-phylactery thing because Podrick’s magic wolf-spear he found long ago can pin even gaseous or incorporeal creatures, which turns out to be a great benefit when we’re always fighting vampires and liches and ghosts and stuff!

From DCC 66.5 Doom of the Savage Kings

Podrick invokes the powers of Chistu to turn Lady Skeam’s soul and destroy her forever. The effect is breathtaking, or at least as breathtaking as a 1980’s effects house can manage.

And with that, Fythorp is liberated from the undead army!

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Forty-third Session

Forty-Third Session – Time to liberate Fythorp from its undead masters!

Fythorp is actually the village of Hirot from DCC 66.5 Doom of the Savage Kings. Paul our GM used ChatGPT to convert it to “what would happen after a bunch of undead take over!” AI is the lazy GM’s new best friend and from here on out a lot of the stuff we do isn’t from printed DCC adventures but is AI-generated. We do some wandering around to adventure locations but when we go somewhere that needs to be something specific it’s easier to whole cloth make it as we are basically carrying the plot around with us in a mature campaign.

We juggle a bunch of allies. We have a group of bounty hunters along, the Ironfall Company of dwarven mercenaries, Morgan the goth, Amathies the lamia, my three berserker retainers… We create complex tactical plans with the nut of it being the party infiltrating the Sanctuary of Alar via underground tunnel to stop it from spewing out the supernatural clouds covering the area – we figure the best first strike to weaken a whole city of undead is to get the sunlight shining again.

Long story short this is successful, though there are a lot of extreme undead shocker traps/devices in the church. We aren’t too badly wounded and reason that with the sudden onset of daylight powerful undead are probably trapped in inconvenient places so a hurry-up offense is called. We go break into the local courthouse where undead weirdos have been “judging” and executing locals. We get there just in time to interrupt the Mayor’s execution!

Hemp destroys both Skull Clerks with the blazefire bow. He finds himself short of legalistic one-liners, so he goes with, “The defense rests!” Then he calls out for Old Man Fish to cure his magical boils.

About this time the worthless priestess from Weebrook arrives with some peasants in tow and declares herself the savior of Fythorp. We decide she’s a danger to herself and others but luckily talk her into fortifying the courthouse instead of going and getting more peasants turned into undead we have to fight.

The hurry-up offense continues and we hit the Cider House that used to hold poison monks, it’s our last hardpoint to take in the town and we know it must have secret tunnels into the salt mine where Lady Skeam’s HQ is!

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Forty-second Session

Forty-Second Session – We talk to every NPC who will talk to us in Weebrook and then head off to the undead army occupied Fythorp to begin our guerilla resistance.

But first, Gallfred goes to meet the local witch Ymae the Mad Widow. Seems like there’s old witches everywhere and they’re generally related. He loves their poison and filth. And she makes him an indecent proposal – she’ll make an undead-catching net if he agrees to marry her! “Sure,” he says…

After that, we split our time between recruiting allies and planning Gallfred’s bachelor party!

We go and talk to the worthless local duke, who checked out the undead army and turned tail. As best as we can tell he and his thanes don’t do anything except live off the townsfolk. Hemp mentally marks them all for death as part of his “Anarchy Now” political platform, but decides not is not the time since the region is already very destabilized. “Soon…” he muses.

And then we go skulk around the haunted town of Fythorp. The local church is spewing out supernatural cloud cover of the “I bet vampires can scamper around freely during the day in this zip code” variety.

We find some holdouts boarded up in the local inn and get a message to them. Then, we pretend we’re with a batch of bounty hunters we’ve befriended that are roving magic artifact collectors (Lady Skeam has people rounding up chaos artifacts to give to her). We send word that have found the Helm of Chistu, which can be used to summon whatever evil god they worship (Chauvinism, IIRC), and would like 5 large for it please. This story has the benefit of being true, but rather than hand over the helm to the banshee that comes to get it, we attack!

We’re sad to find out that the banshee is the nice sea shanty singing lady from the town, now undeaded. She nearly gets away but Gallfred uses his dowry on her (the undead catching net the witch made for him). Our sorrow is assuaged by the fact that she did indeed have 5,000 gp on her. “Grand Theft Auto for the win!” we cry.

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Forty-first Session

Forty-First Session – Travel is easily as dangerous as dungeons in DCC. We return from the Mortal Kombat Dimension and travel first to Wymoor and then to Weebrook, and there’s quite some trouble along the way!

First, we meet a weird cursed chimera doing a demon summoning ritual. We’ve actually run across this chimera like twice before out of sheer encounter table luck and he’s become a recurring thing. We kill him so he won’t recur. (Well… It’s probably not that simple, but may as well try.)

When we get to Wymoor by luck it’s the Spring Renewal festival, so we drink ourselves into a frenzy and/or unconsciousness. like a medieval version of The Hangover.

But no rest for the wicked, we leave the next morning and come across ghouls trying to sacrifice some random peasant. And then we come across some random monks that are actually a poisoner cabal that Gallfred keeps wanting to join. And we reunite some ghost lovers. Fythorp has been taken over by an undead army, we get it!!!

We finally get to our home town of Weebrook and they are quite distraught by the ill goings-on right down the road. We brought some refugees here knowing that army was coming and knowing the 5 of us weren’t “fight an army” caliber, but it’s still sad.

I spend the rest of the time trying to wingman Podrick into hitting on the crazy priestess lady in town but he denies her his precious bodily fluids for some reason.

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Fortieth Session

Fortieth Session – Ned finally fights in the Wizard Kumite! But that’s not the height of drama this session because it turns out Soylent Green is people!!! And the island we’re on sinks.

Since we are in a crazy wizard deathmatch tournament, some of the other wizards are understandably reluctant to open their AirBnB tower doors and speak with us. Which is probably wise as we do contemplate home invasions when it suits us.

However, the one that will talk to us turns out to not really be a mage but a hot thief in disguise. Her costume of an old, white-bearded wizard drives Gallfred mad with desire. Hemp rolls 1d20 (1-10: cockblock; 11-20: wingman) and decides to assist this doomed romance.

Illika the Fey gets a bye on her first round since Urzeth turned up dead of a severe dagger allergy. Our own Ned gets tapped for the next fight with Alred the Harbinger of Fate, who is just a toad-looking guy. I immediately start making Wastri the Hopping Prophet references even though no one else gets them. “You know? The Greyhawk quasi-deity of amphibians and racism? Like a 1980s Pepe the Frog!” They just stare at me until we return to play.

Alred’s froggy familiar tries to gas us on the street. Well, I say tries, but it did, and it was a pretty bad poison, but we survive. In an attempt to prove that the Secret Masters running this wizard tournament are up to no good, we decide to go break in to the crematorium they cart the dead wizards off to, and, spoiler alert, they are using them to make tasty treats, including the tasty treats in our tournament gift basket that we’ve been snacking on.

Now we have proof! And tasty cannibal treats, as solidly half the party is Chaotic and down with it since they give nice buffs. In fact, my character Hemp really appreciates this as Aphiel his god always wants him to commit cannibalism but he considers that pretty gross and declasse.

Then it’s time for Ned’s fight! It’s pretty anticlimactic because he goes first and blasts Alred with the biggest magic missile ever conjured, one-shotting him.

But that’s for the best because we decide it’s time to ambush us some Secret Masters as they wine and dine Ned for being the winner. Read on for the climax and watery denoument!

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Thirty-Ninth Session

Thirty-Ninth Session – MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! We go with Ned to an occult island where wizards gather to fight it out one-on-one tournament style.

Ned blows a magic horn and some robots sail us out to the recently risen island-town of Dagon, inhabited largely by giant bug people. There are six other wizards with their retinues in attendance. There’s a lot of rules like “non-wizards can get killed by wizards with impunity” and “the bugs will obey wizards but probably eat you.”

We get to meet an impressive array of freakydeak wizards and their minions. We try to make some allies, as we all immediately suspect the prize for winning this tournament is “being eaten by bug-men.”

We bet on some of the wizard battles and then realize “You know… I bet whoever loses a fight has a bunch of good shit back in their guest tower, as magic items aren’t allowed in the fights.” We skedaddle to the tower of the recently deceased Renox the White Magister and loot it; we have to fight a demon summoned by a demonic sigil but get a spellbook and some sick goodies.

Next day, we discover that Illka the Fey got poisoned by Urzeth the Living Flame Guy’s folks and his minions want to “go get ’em!” We offer to escort them to Urzeth’s so the bug-men don’t eat them, with every intention of siccing the two groups on each other and mopping up the victor. And the plan goes well, though we are horrified by the effectiveness of bug-men in combat (4 attacks, wtf!?!)

We whack Urzeth and his sexy lizard lamia chick Amathies joins us rather than die. And we loot his tower, too! So many spellbooks…

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Thirty-Eighth Session

Thirty-Eighth Session – We save some witches from a giant centipede, and try to hook Ned up with the least gruesome of the witches, but we are on a timetable – apparently a timetable to be eaten by moth-bats.

We go to a Secret Cave – I think the goal was for Hemp to get an Aphiel patron bond. Besides the usual weird critters, we find out about some warring long-ago folks from the ghost of a little boy named Tammun.

Uncle Zugun is trapped between life and death in a coffin and Father Boak wants to become a demigod… Anyway, the lads fight off waves of attackers while Hemp does a cool Aphiel ritual! Huzzah.

We end up with Uncle Zugun in a coffin. He claims he’s not a vampire but we’re having none of it. Anyway, we need to cart him far into the Shudder Mountains to the Luhsaal Wheel in the Deep Hollows, where Boak is going to become a god, because he’s an Aphiel apostate and is now into the sorceress goddess Camue, and we hate that.

Dungeon Crawl Classics – Thirty-Seventh Session

Thirty-Seventh Session – It’s a tie as to what’s the most dangerous experience this session – tentacle-birthed monstrous servitors of a dark god, or Ned setting our campsite on fire – twice.

We travel through weird random encounters and Ned setting our campsite on fire. At long last we get to the Shrine of the Bethines where Podrick needs to cleanse the Helm of Chistu, which is supposed to be all kinds of help against the evil undead hordes. It’s just full of horrid Servitors of Zeron, though you can knock their teeth out and eat the teeth to get protection from hostile elements.

The experience of swallowing malign chaos magic is deeply unpleasant, about like smoking, eating the contents of the ashtray, and washing it down with Ivanovich vodka. After that, the characters each experience a mild, cold numbness.

He means Ivanabitch vodka, which is the worst thing Chris ever fed to us. He got it on clearance for like $2. It’s a “menthol flavored” vodka. It tastes like a stripper throwing up in your mouth. This was easily a decade ago but it still haunts us.

We delve deep into a weird dungeon, including a room with 30 skeletons in it that we manage to not have to fight. A gaseous demon poses a real problem but luckily my magic flaming bow gives it a good what for.

Finally we emerge with a cleansed helm! And Ned sets our campsite on fire again.

P.S. This appears to be “The Zeron Protocol” from the 2016 Gongfarmer’s Almanac.