Shameful Dungeons & Dragons Characters

One of my favorite genre blogs, Topless Robot, has published a list of the 5 most and least shameful Dungeons & Dragons characters! Take a look, it’s fun.

Here’s my own list of the 5 most shameful…

5) Drizzt Do’Urden.  I agree with the Topless Robot guy, he’s overexposed for sure but was lame even before that.  “Oooooh, the angst!  But I’m sexxxy!  But the angst!  I am mighty!  Pet my kitty!”  Leave it to White Wolf.

4) Elminster.  Has a more transparent Mary Sue character ever appeared in any D&D setting?  He’s old and wise!  But all the chicks want him!  He’s super powerful, and super wise, and super special, and WE LOVES HIM MY PRECIOUS!

3) Anyone from the Dungeons & Dragons movie, which mind-raped all the poor D&D fans that waited for decades for the film to finally get made.  But mainly “Snails,” the incompetent thief played by Marlon Wayans.  Snails.  Wayans.  KILL!

2) Elfstar.  Sound familiar?  That’s right, she’s the cleric (and Satanist, and Fundamentalist) from the infamous Jack Chick “Dark Dungeons” tract!  Apparently she’s a dumb twat.  Black Leaf, too.

1) Mika-Oba the Wolf Nomad.  OK, Gygax’s novel writing skills are not something to write home about, and it’s fair that Gord is on the TR shame list.  But this list is for the most, not the “pretty darn,” shameful.  Rose Estes picked up the mantle of Greyhawk novelist once TSR screwed over Gary and tossed him out into the dumpster.   And though Gygax wasn’t good, she was terrible.  Every Greyhawk fan since has pretended she didn’t exist or worse – check out the Rose Estes Hate Page for some examples of her purple prose.  Mika, with his pet wolf “Tam-Tur,” was a wuss and a rapist (and rape-ee).  And liked pooing on people, and spanking the monkey.  No, seriously.  I wish I were kidding.  He’s the worst of the worst.

And now, my 5 least shameful!

5) Bargle the Infamous.  Sure, the name is a little weird, but as the opening villain of the D&D “red box” basic set, killing that hot ass cleric Elmore drew – oh, everyone wanted to take him out.  Maybe he’s not threatening to destroy the multiverse, but he wasted that cute chick Aleena with magic missiles!!!  Now that’s a villain.  Paizo printed an adventure called “Kill Bargle!” in Dungeon #150, September 2007, the very last issue of Dungeon magazine (no, that digital initiative shit Wizards is doing now does NOT count).  And they did 3.5e stats for him as a “Critical Threat” in the March issue, #144.

4) Hennet!  On the one hand, the iconic sorcerer from the D&D 3e PHB. On the other hand, belt-clad Clinton Boomer from the hilarious D&D PSAs on YouTube!  Tordek, Lidda, and Regdar all tie for second, but since Hennet’s the PSA mastermind he gets top billing.

3) Mordenkainen.  The Circle of Eight from Greyhawk was always interesting, and he was its founder.  Not good guys, not bad guys, just powerful guys who don’t want the world to come apart too bad or get too unbalanced, and other than that follow their own esoteric agendas.  He doesn’t talk to you or meddle with your life until you get to the “let’s cause a planar rift!” kind of level.

2) Venger, from the D&D cartoon!  No bumbling Gargamel of a bad guy, Venger was bad news.  His arch-enemy was another big baddie, Tiamat!  He had a pet shadow demon, one horn, fangs, a nightmare as a mount…  Don’t mess with Venger.

1) Your character.  This is what it’s all about, people.  All these idiots from novels, game settings, movies, and derivative stuff all pale behind your character, the one you’re playing now, who is living a life of adventure.  Every character I’ve played, and all the ones players I’ve DMed have played, are ten times more interesting than any of these.  They’re the ones that live and breathe.  Don’t forget that.  Your characters are always more important, more realistic, and more cool than whatever a game designer or novel writer puts out there – those are but foils to you, the hero of the tale!