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RPG Review: Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide

Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide

I love the world of Golarion, Paizo’s default game world for the Pathfinder RPG. I was a subscriber to basically everything that came out for Pathfinder first edition and have been running a Pathfinder campaign for some 15 years now (and played in many of their Adventure Paths myself). PF2e wasn’t different enough to convince me I should spend thousands more dollars on the same content again, but the Lost Omens line is about Golarion world content, and I buy those from time to time.

And since my current game is about pirates traveling from place to place, the idea of the Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide, which “presents the highlights of the Inner Sea region to help any and all curous travelers plan where to go and what to see,” was super intriguing. I got it recently and read it cover to cover! I assumed what I’d get would be like a travel guide – here’s what to expect of the sights and sounds, but also practical details, of going to various places in Golarion.

Bottom line up front – it’s OK. There is some great content and some complete misses. And that’s a challenge – as a hardback with 124 pages of actual content for $40, I’m paying a buck for every three pages so each three pages should be worth a buck to me in content. Some groups of pages met that burden and some did not. It’s very uneven. There were some chunks of great Golarion content and then there are chunks of content that I can only call “generic medieval fantasy for dummies.” Let’s get into it.

I got in a bad mood early reading this book but it picks up later. We start with a two-page “introduction” spread containing zero content written by, not a Pathfinder whose name we know from somewhere, but some rando fake fantasy editor.

Time & The Calendar

The book starts with a six page section on “Time & The Calendar”. It names the days and months – something we already know from the world guide – and adds a little bit of helpful flavor, like which day is usually a market day. It confusingly adds “common names” for the months. “Abadius, alternately called Prima.” Alternately by… Who? Why? Where? We’ve been using the primary names for decades in Pathfinder world now, so this a weird add that doesn’t expand our direct usability of the world. Do they use these different names in… Garund? Are they formal “Latin Church” type names the educated would use vs. peasant terms? Who knows. Then a quick justification for the laziness of using the same calendar across the world (There was a war! People agreed!) and then, super frustratingly, some alternate calendars like the Tian Xia Imperial calendar that date from a different year. OK that’s cool. What year? Who cares, apparently.

This is a gripe I’m going to come back to. World content that is actually *useful to players, in play* has some very specific requirements. If we’re going to say “Ah the guy from Tian Xia says back in IC 123”, we should be able to say “oh and that’s equivalent to AR 2500.” But this book just doesn’t bother with that. GURPS was the game that really got this right. I didn’t play a lot of GURPS but I own 20-30 of their sourcebooks because they mastered the art of taking fictional content and boiling it down to what you needed in play. GURPS Conan tells you how much a broadsword costs in Scythia and what differences you, a person wandering in the world, are going to see and encounter. I would get GURPS supplements when planning to run a game in that setting in another game system because their value was distilling the fiction down to usable, tangible specifics relevant to PCs exploring a world.

Then we have a quick historical timeline – again, from other sources, without any kind of effort to make it “what today’s peasant understands” or the like, and then time constructs broken down by race. (We’re supposed to call “races” “ancestries” now but bah to that.) More than 50% of the pages have big graphical sidebars that are not super useful.

Everyday Life

Next, a sizable 12-page section on “Everyday Life.” Here’s where we get into some trouble. Much of this is “Life in a Medieval Village Lite” generalities about what some abstract generic Golarion medieval European does in their life, but less focused on historical realism and more what a fantasy anime village does. “Get up early to tend the livestock!” “People on the water fish!” “Nomads travel!” is the level of detail here. No Golarion insight, like “here’s what a peasant in Andoren’s day is like vs a Bonuwat fisherman vs a Varisian nomad” – nope. Next is a long section on languages, which has the helpful point “Common/Taldane and Tien are trade languages commonly spoken, but not well, because people tend to speak their actual local language.” I said that in one sentence but they took half a page. Then a bit on ancient languages, which I’m not sure how it’s relevant to the alleged travel guide format. Next we have some more generic fantasy content – a full page spread on a “rural home” and an “urban home.” You know, a generic one that is certainly identical across an entire world. These helpfully explain what a “Yard” and a “Bedroom” are. Next, a couple pages on what “Rural Life” is like (is that not “Everyday Life” in Golarion?). This has some dross like “did you know there’s not as many restaurants out in the sticks” but some actual value, just padded. “Out in the sticks people tend to trade in barter instead of paying each other coins, but they’ll take yours” is another sentence you can replace a half page with, and “people tend to not be monotheistic, but revere the various gods in charge of whatever they’re doing at the time; farming, hunting, dying, sailing, etc.” same thing. Like, great clarification, just padded to all hell. And then we have an actual useful little bit saying what a house costs.

Then we have a two page spread on “Rural fashion” indicating that our generic rural peasant might wear a “Hat” and a “Work Apron” and if they fish, perhaps “Fishing Galoshes.” This is where I started to get angry and fear that I’d dumped $40 on one of those shitty big-board books you find in the discount section of bookstores that are like “a castle, for kids!” kind of things.

We run through the same lengthy content for Urban Life, which has more restaurants and more monotheism, and a fashion spread, which indicates more of a love for parasols and pouches than the dirt people. But make sure and ethically source your hat feathers because “the collection of feathers can do a lot of damage to bird populations, and activist groups have begun to protest them.” No I am not kidding. I mean, I guess since slavery and racism and all the other evils have been solved we may as well. (In the interest of PC-ness, everyone including the most evil of evil realms all outlawed slavery in the last couple years between Pathfinder 1e and 2e.)

Festivals & Holidays

I assume it’s because of assigning out sections to different authors and not a lot of time spent editing, but we had some festivals in the calendar section and now we have another semi-redundant 8 page festival section. This one’s OK – it notes a bunch of holidays and festivals with actual locations/deities/context on them, which is great, but with no information on any of them that would be useful to someone traveling there.

There’s no excuse for that. I went to Japan last summer and the travel guide packed in 5x as much information (these 8 hardback pages equal 16 real travel guide pages, which manage to give you a little about what a given festival may actually entail and look like and be about). They do add a little flavor in the 6 pages they use to show some dress for a couple of the festivals, but the density and focus is a problem. In a full page spread on the Cayden Cailean festival of Merrymead, we have a random super dark piece of art that indicates a reveler may well have a “handkerchief.”

But how would you do this better, you ask? OK so near me in Galveston, TX, they have a Christmastime “Dickens on the Strand” festival:

Dickens on The Strand is Galveston’s annual winter holiday street festival bursting with live entertainment on multiple streets, including strolling carolers, roving musicians, bagpipers, jugglers, and a crowd of entertainers and costumed revelers, all dressed in period formal Victorian garb like formal dresses and stovepipe hats and eating cold-weather treats like roasted chestnuts and drinking mulled wine.

Bam. Concise but focuses on what you’ll actually do, what it’ll feel and look like (cold! festive! music in the air! fake old-timey formality!). And you could fit 5 of those (easily) per page so you get more coverage – the problem with a book like this is if your campaign is set in place X and focuses on deities Y and so on, the chance that one of the 4 padded out holidays they cover is going to be relevant is low. Do 30 in that format, and you’re good to go. Or dig more into each one, but dang the content per dollar is low in this section. I get art is expensive, but blowing up a drawing of a copper piece to take a full 1/8 page spread just makes me spend more of my money on it too.

Trade

And that segues us into the Trade section. The church of Abadar works to validate contracts and balance interest rates across the Inner Sea. Some of this is great, some of it gets into weird “fantasy modern”. (They have things to detect if goods have been teleported somewhere to try to profit! No one would want to buy teleported goods! I’m glad we have a super high magic solution to all those level 10 wizards trying to profit off teleporting lingonberries to the Mwangi Expanse!).

They have a full page spread with 4 coins – which is nice, it’s nice to have an example, oh look here’s what an Absalom platinum piece looks like and is called. But again, it’d be better with then a list of 10 other things they’re called in other places and maybe a “and they are all little bars instead of coins in Druma” or something.

A two page spread, one page of which is a map, has trade routes of the Inner Sea. Now we have the first truly useful worldbuilding. (I knew most of this from extensive research I did planning my pirate game, but it wasn’t all in one place previously.) So trade tends to flow in these routes, which has transport implications, pirate implications, and so on. The main drawback here is they don’t really get into what kinds of things are traded. “Goods! You know… Goods from Casmaron!” Cool story bro.

It’s followed by a 2 page spread on trade goods but again we’re back to generic anime fantasy content not Golarion content. Did you know people might trade in metals, fish, wine, leather, cloth? Who exactly? Eh, who cares. This is 2 full pages of “No shit Sherlock” with extensive spending of the art budget on 20 illustrations of “A pile of bricks. A pile of lumber. An ingot of gold.” I pray they reused these off some item deck somewhere or something.

Cuisine

There’s some gems in here but a lot of it is that generic fantasy-ish content again. “People like to eat pork! And stew!” There’s blah fantasy bits (behir caviar is tasty) but also some actual Golarion content in places, but I think it sometimes is harmed by a common problem. Technically Golarion is the entire world, then Avistan and Garund the two most prominent continents in products, and then “the Inner Sea” is technically the Mediterranean that’s between the two. So “One unique aspect of Inner Sea cooking is the prevalence of olive oil.” Fair enough. But because all the world products are called “Inner Sea,” and cover places obviously not in the Inner Sea (Fantasy Norway! Fantasy Kenya!), it’s not clear where they’re saying that’s narrowly vs tightly scoped and it harms diversity. “The northern shore of the Inner Sea uses olive oil in its cooking, while the southern shore predominantly uses palm oils” would add some diversity and some clarity as to range in the same space.

Same deal with spices, you get an actual useful bit about pepper from Varisia’s Mushfens being popular, but then just a laundry list of other spices that I guess are everywhere because we have Fantasy Kroger’s. “Basil, dill, rosemary, coriander,…” makes it sound like everyone in the world of Golarion has easy access to the store brand of all 20 common spices.

A bit on drinks, a 2 page graphical layout of “A Noble’s Feast” (no location) is again discount bookstore fare. Just even make it an example Taldan noble’s feast or something; the world of Golarion basically has “all real world areas and cultures” represented.

Drinks of Ilizmagorti

Then we have 2 recipes which are just excuses to stick recipes in a book because people like that nowadays and 4 cocktail recipes. They have a lot of ice in Northern Garund (think Morocco) do they? I wish they didn’t do the full recipes but just gave some rundowns.

Some of the most useful content I’ve pulled from other sources is like in Cities of Golarion that covered Ilizmagorti, it said it’s a bit of a foodie town and pub crawls are big and here’s a list of representative cocktails. My PCs still say Ilizmagorti was “the best place to party” in my long term pirate campaign mainly because I used this. Notice the conciseness and richness of detail. This entire sidebar takes the space they used for one cocktail recipe in the Travel Guide. “That drink that was just the squeezin’s!” still gets mentioned time to time years later.

Fashion

I mean… So maybe I misunderstand the point of this book. Maybe it’s for 12 year olds who have never done any basic learning about the world or history, and it’s very helpful for them to understand “Silk is an animal fiber like wool.” But it’s billed as a Golarion travel guide God damn it!!! “You can have a beautician do your nails.” The first page is annoying but the second is actually good, it’s fashion trends from Queen Anastasia of Irrisen and Queen Edasseril of Kyonin – sure, Queen fashion trends will travel, that makes sense, it gives me some actual details to put into a real game. “As you look around the high end salon, you see many of the women have real or tailored flowers and leaves adorning the ends of their sleeves and the lower parts of their skirts.” They ask, and “Oh, it’s all the fashion because the Queen of Kyonin a couple countries over is wearing that.” Bam, world immersion.

They keep it up for a while – garb of a student in the Magaambya (fantasy Africa) vs Ustalav (fantasy Transylvania), some New Thassilon driven fashion, some modern anarchist fashion. But we edge back into generic with Accessories. “Handbags! Aprons!” Some are ok though and add world flavor- “Shoanti Tattoos! Varisian Scarves!” The latter help me, the former – I guess it reminds me some people carry purses?

Art & Architecture

I’m going to spare you belaboring the details of this chapter, it’s a mix of generic claptrap with occassional useful examples of some real artists in Golarion, including at least one, Ailson Kindler, that is actually from Golarion lore and not just net new made up, which is great.

Some architectural styles are covered which is good – and finally a bit that is what you would expect in an actual fricking travel guide, famous structures! Go to Riddleport and see the Cyphergate! Go to Osirion and see the pyramids! Each with an illustration.

Pastimes

This is where the generic claptrap to useful world content ratio starts to get a little better. On the one hand, “people collect flowers and shit to entertain themselves.” On the other, we have log rolling popular on the Sellen, people around Lake Encarthan love whittling little big-eyed stylized animals… That I can use to make PCs feel more like they’re in a distinct location.

And then they have extensive rules for “Golem”, which is basically normal poker except there’s a “best hand” made from the discards that can win, and “Basilisk,” a popular sport (though again, popular *where*??? Across Fantasy Tunisia to Fantasy Colombia to Fantasy France? Come on man.).

It ends with a sample Basilisk team, the Riddleport Rollers. OK great! My campaign started in Riddleport! Here’s the goaltender, Mujaika the Wall, who looks like a Mualijae elven woman. Perfect! Ok that’s real PC-interactable world content. Meet them on a ship going to <nearby place>. Party with them. Get pulled into a skirmish game on a beach somewhere, learn the game. That’s a whole game session driven off world content. More please.

Crime & Law

Generic. “Wherever you are… Robbery gets you 20 lashes and 1 to 5 years hard labor.” It makes the content wasted. Call it an example legal code from the Isle of Kortos, have a half page of “well in place X they have wandering judges, in place Y they don’t punish violence much because they victim blame, in place Z conviction is based on a vote from all the citizens that can be bothered to show up in the town square…” and you’re making world content.

Then a two page spread of wanted posters. I “wanted” to like them but they immediately showed the confusion between the “generic objective set of laws” and the practice, since some of the wanted are for doing good acts somewhere that didn’t appreciate them. And no location on most of them.

Now two pages on “headquarters”, with an example furniture shop hiding a thieves’ guild and an Irrisen cop precinct. You really have to squint to see this as Travel Guide material, though I guess you could say the chance a traveller in Irrisen will end up in a lot of cop precinct houses is fair.

What People Know

This is one of the things I have specific expectations around. Too often fantasy worlds are portrayed as people know everything in the setting book. What happened 5000 years ago? Of course a random bog farmer knows about it. Luckily I found this section strong. People have different creation myths, their knowledge of history is generally that “well Aroden started the age of man like, a long time ago, and he died recently and things suck.” What’s the Shining Crusade? “I don’t know but I heard of it.” Realistic, I like it. Introduces the concept of “microregions” where knowledge tends to locally pool – three countries fighting each other have a general shared knowledge, but one country over they may not know much about them. In the Mwangi Expanse, most people know about the Magaambya and welcome traveling scholars from there, and know to be wary of Nagisa and Usaro. This is good info to help show things from ‘the locals’ perspective’ without the locals knowing everything because, you know, they’re primitive savages mostly.

Magic

While this should have more local flavor incorporated besides the obvious “Rahadoum doesn’t allow divine magic,” it’s a good look into what the common man understands. They know magic exists though may not have experienced it; wizards are probably upper class; priests are a little more special because, you know, gods… It also says that many people have some kind of inherent magical knack that they have never trained to the level of “spells” but maybe some of the random superstitious crap they do actually has some effect (folk magic). Good.

Then we have a REAL weird section. I don’t know why it’s in this book and it seems like a pretty major thing to introduce. It turns out whenever you cast a spell you have a bunch of CGI runes that appear around the caster with some specific meanings to them and their colors and fonts and stuff. I mean, this is how it kinda worked in the Pathfinder comics, but this is a strange place to make a canon introduction of what spellcasting looks like in Pathfinder. It definitely means casting every single spell is super obvious, which is a problem for the more stealth casters and enchantments, illusions, and so forth, but eh. Anyway, I don’t know why it’s in this book.

Same deal with a two page spread on spellcaster lairs. This is a travel book man.

Folklore & Mythology

This is cool. Creation myths and differences from place to place. Some example fables and fairy tales. Some ghost stories, some legendary figures. A little more formal than a travel guide would bear but still, good Golarion world content. A bunch of local superstitions, this is totally what I wanted out of this book. In place X a given color or animal or number is lucky/unlucky for a random reason so the locals do something colorful time to time.

Then a full two page tale of a Garundi hero. Nice, though pushing the page count to usability in game ratio.

Religion

More good stuff. Common religious practices, specific things to note per region, religious events & observances, religious iconography. “Gozreh’s worshippers among the Ulfen see the deity’s duality as fire and ice, rather than the wind and the waves… [they] carry iron ice picks…” This is “good” worldbuilding.

Then we have a section with some pantheons. This is “bad” worldbuilding and let me explain why. The concept of a pantheon is great. Normal people don’t pick one god in this kind of polytheistic world, they generally have a set that makes sense in their area and life. Out in farm country in Andoren that’s more like the US Midwest, most folks worship the “Hearth and Harvest” pantheon of X, Y, and Z. That’s cool. These specific ones, however, fall into the min-maxers’ trap of putting together anything from any source with no in-game reason. These pantheons are not local but are often “across the Inner Sea,” and have deities from all kinds of places – Mazludeh, the ruling angel of Holomog, which basically no one has been to and whose worshipers are just described as “Holomog” – suddenly part of a pantheon for people 1000 miles away to use because their “domain” fits into an arbitrary list. Asian gods? European gods? African gods? Native American gods? Nonhuman gods? Sure, mix ’em all together with no justification.

I will never use any of these. And it’s a missed opportunity. Make them hyperlocal and have deities that make fricking sense in them. It’s OK if one is foreign if there’s a reason! I could buy an Asian (Tien) god in a Viking (Ulfen) pantheon because the trade route to fantasy Asia goes through fantasy Norway and there was a whole Adventure Path about it, so maybe one imported deity filled a spot that was kinda missing with the locals so it’s all Thor Loki Odin and samurai lady, fine. But you can’t just say “I’ll pull all the gods from all the regions that have academics in their list of domains and call that a pantheon.”

Nature & Animals

A section on what wildlife, not just monsters, you’ll find as you travel around, like the bowing deer of Nara!

No, I’m kidding, it’s 2 pages of basic PETA propaganda about coexisting with bears and not polluting and stuff. What the absolute fuck. I mean, I agree with it, I was a Boy Scout, but “stuff I personally agree with” is NOT GOOD GAME CONTENT, something that both Paizo and WotC have completely forgotten.

But then we get a page spread of 10 illustrated flora and 10 illustrated fauna, with actual Golarion locations they live in. This is good.

And then two pages of random new herbalist concoctions. Which would be fine in some random Complete Guide to Herbalists but this is a TRAVEL GUIDE. Not “a herbal concoction you can only find in Hermea,” it’s just generic rules content.

And then 2 pages of pets you can buy, including some actual unique and location-dependent ones. Arcadian opossums tolerate being dressed up in little outfits well so they’re popular pets among the white trash of ancient America. OK that’s great!

Finally a 2 page spread of monster locations with a map – reefclaws are abundant south of the Eye and manticores are endemic to the Mindspin Mountains. This is good content but there should be 10x the amount of it, cut some of the flavor text and you could have instad of 6 small blobs on a big world map, more coverage to where whereever your campaign is set, there’s a place renowned for a given kind of monster nearby.

Like, I can’t get over that for every 2 pages of useful content I’m paying for 2 additional pages of dross, and at this hardback cost that’s a buck per three pages.

Weather & Climate

Some good information on the climate in many microregions, with a big but very hard to read map of climactic areas (the legend is miniature and relies on some pretty complicated patterns not just colors). Now if this had a random weather table per region, it would be good game content. As it is, it just tells me that in Fantasy North Africa it’s desert like I would expect from having been through the 7th grade. I don’t hate it but I don’t love it.

Then we have a 2-page spread on natural disasters (normal style) and a 4-page spread on weird supernatural specific weather events that if you, like, vibe with you can get some kind of effect. If you stay outside for a day in the Blood Rains of Ustalav you can make a DC 24 check to maybe get a benefit for a week, or if you f that roll up maybe you get tuberculosis. That’s fun specific world content and Travel Guide worthy. “Travel to Droskar’s Crag, and if you’re lucky enough that it’s spewing ash at the time, rumor is you’ll be protected from the cold when you go back home!”

The Stars

This section talks about the moon, the stars, the constellations (Fantasy Zodiac), moon phases… It’s ok almanac content but does “Moon Phases” need to be an entire 2 page spread? This is one of those “completionist” things that can exhaust PCs. If one or two moons a year are important that’s great, if every single full moon of the year has a special name and meaning and stuff, it becomes hard to care and it’s hard to believe most of the populace does either. At most you’re in an inn in a small town and someone’s grandma is nattering on about how this is the “sweet moon” because it’s around when the berries ripen. Thanks, boomer.

Then we have some astrological backgrounds rules because of course you have to have character options even in a travel book because it’s Pathfinder.

Then they have a 4-page glossary and index, which is actually great because they just toss off random names from all across Golarion and I read the book in one hand while I looked up random deities and stuff with an iPad in the other. (I wish I had known the glossary was there before I got to it, lol, though really hitting PathfinderWiki is better.)

Conclusion

I know I griped a lot. I expected a Travel Guide that does what it says on the back cover, and I think that’s a fair fricking expectation. Fodor’s Guide/Lonely Planet Guide to Golarion would be a great book. If they hired someone from Lonely Planet and had them read 100 lbs. of Golarion lore and said “make a travel guide and make up stuff that’s not in the infodump” I’d pay $100 for it and buy copies for my players. This isn’t that book. But it does have some good Golarion content. There’s animals and stories and art and fashion movements to mine to include in actual Pathfinder games set in the world to add versimilitude.

The “bad” content – most of it isn’t bad per se, just in the wrong book or full of padding. Some is weirdly basic (Did you know in really cold climates people wear winter coats? Here’s a picture of a random winter coat that looks suspiciously like the one Bespoke Post tried to sell me today) and some is weirdly in depth wonkiness (The third full moon of the year is…). The only part I said “no this is wrong and bad for Golarion” is the random-deity pantheons.

If it was a $30 softback I would say it’s a clear buy. As a $40 hardback of 124 pages of which maybe 60 will ever see use… That’s tough. If you’re fairly well off, I guess. I don’t regret buying it but I have plenty of disposable income. If I bought this at age 23 during my first job out of school I’d try to return it.

Fantastic Fest 2024 – The Fair to Bad

Not everything’s a winner. But it’s a range, the 4’s you might like if they’re your thing… The ones I rated 1-2 I have trouble understanding how anyone would like, but someone made them!

I, The Executioner (4/10)  was a perfectly serviceable Korean cop thriller movie, a sequel to 2014’s “Veteran,” apparently with the same Major Crimes squad from the first. A serial killer is killing people who got off easy from the justice system and they must catch him. Like a PG rated Se7en. It was OK. Some action but not “whoa check out that martial arts or gun fu” level. A lot of modern Korean film including this seems like watered down versions of what already exists. Not much more to say, watch it if you are bored and are really into Korean shows.

Frankie Freako (4/10) is a silly retro puppet movie starring Fake Young Dana Carvey and Fake Chrissy Tiegen where the hopelessly square husband calls the “Frankie Freako” 1-900 line to try to get less bland and suddenly little Garbage Pail Kids type puppets are tearing up his house. It is a reference to “Freddie Freaker” from the late ’80’s.  It’s lightly entertaining but not great – who is this for?  It’d be PG if not for an explicit neck wound and bear-trapped leg – content wise otherwise it’s solidly there’s at 11-12 year olds.  Like, Gremlins is spicier.  They could have gone hard R with it and had Frankie showing Fake Dana Carvey how to Eiffel Tower Fake Chrissy Tiegen and play up the gore, but no, “freaky partying” is drinking Fart Cola and spray painting the living room.  The puppets didn’t have much funny dialogue either, just “let’s get freaky!” I didn’t hate it, it kept me engaged, but I don’t know who it’s for that would pay to see it.

Disembodied aka Aberration (4/10) is a 4k remaster of a 1998 film that you would swear was a surrealist horror movie from the ’60’s. A lady takes a room (technically, the boiler room) in the worst hotel ever and then decorates her room with her jarred brain and bathtub full of, uh, vaginal nodules and then starts growing oozing lumps.  And is being tracked by an Evil Colonel Sanders looking guy from the Plasmaster Corporation. Luckily her next door hooker friend is on her side.  Very gooey and trippy. The dialogue is hilarious but there’s not enough of it, with large parts having the put-me-to-sleep effect of slow moving old time horror. There is *lots* of vaginal imagery but no actual vaginas. Unclear resolution on the ending. This movie does not look great, I shudder to imagine it prior to this uplift work. I mean, I get the guy made it in his spare time with his spare money but 1998 horror movies were like “The Faculty” and “Ringu” and this looks like one of the “we just got out of the black & white era” films on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Universal Language (4/10) is an absurdist – comedy? – that merges a fantasy post-Quebec independence Canada with Iran and is in half French and half Farsi, with Tim Hortons becoming a samovar-bearing tea house.  Which is cool but… I struggled to find a point and even to stay awake (and this was a 2:30 PM showing). There was some fun to be had seeing some Persian kids from the French immersion school wandering around on their youthful shenanigans in a snow-covered beige-building-filled Alberta that kinds looks like a sand-covered beige-building-filled Iran but other than that it was a bunch of visually interesting scenes where you felt like “this must MEAN something” but it’s totally opaque what besides the single obvious family regret angle. It has mood and technique but plot and acting not so much. I loved last year’s Moroccan art house film by Sofia Alaoui, Animalia, and Ana Lily Amirpour’s A Girl Walks Home At Night; it’s not like I can’t get behind weird slow Middle Eastern stuff, I just didn’t get this one. I was briefly excited by the appearance of an “eclairagiste” in the credits and I thought they might have an eclair expert on staff but it just means lighting tech.  Fucking Quebec.

Baby Invasion (3/10) defies easy explanation. It doesn’t have plot – at best you could say it has a loose conceit of people streaming themselves performing home invasions using baby face filters with comments streaming over the screen with a deafening techno as the entire soundtrack, but interspersed with trippy random Unreal Engine computer graphic kaleidoscopic… scenes? Segments? Anyway, even writing this down makes it seem more coherent than it is. Though strangely it’s not terrible; I could sit through it without intense regret. Not that I would recommend it; it’s the kind of thing that should just play on a big screen during a rave or something. Oddly non-graphic content wise though, possibly because the budget was “a dozen yo-yos and their airsoft gun collection and one guy who can use Unreal Engine.” And it is impressive the sheer volume of twitch stream comments they generated, thousands and thousands.

Ick (2/10) is a high school horror movie like The Faculty, but less subtle and played constantly at x2 speed. I am not exaggerating; I thought maybe we were just starting with a double-speed flashback or title scene but no it just kept going like that. No time for emotional beats or memorable sights, just ultrafast self-aware basic GenZ quips and CGI death. And 30-ish 2000s pop-punk needle drops. Not only did I not like it, now I am nursing a headache. The filmmaker wanted to make “a PG-13 starter horror movie for his 13 year old.” Maybe just put them on ADHD meds instead.

Zenithal (1/10, no link I can find which is probably for the best) is a wild mistake of a French movie about, I guess, penis oriented martial arts? Which could be goofy fun in concept, but then there were zero martial arts – or penises, except for the blurred/clothed three foot penis of the victim who was found “dick-capitated.” The height of humor here is practicing “Sexkido” and “being less genital and more zen-ithal.” If you are not guffawing by now then this movie has nothing for ya. Production value hovers around “don’t spend more than $20 on set dressing” level. And there’s a weird choice to make it very much like it’s a sequel to a previous movie (it’s not) and relying on alluded to prior events to make you give a crap about any of these characters. I made it 3/4 of the way through and finally the 20 minute long speech from the incel villain kept putting me to sleep and I just left. Come on, French people can do martial arts movies! District B-13! This made me sad and angry and sleepy. But I guess I’m happy the French are swinging for the fences, we get Planet B out of them in the same year, so if this is the price we have to pay, OK.

And that’s the Fantastic Fest 2024 roundup! Only two real stinkers and a lot of good stuff, I really enjoyed the programming this year.

Fantastic Fest 2024 – The Mid

These movies weren’t perfect, but if you are into their genre you may enjoy them, they are certainly… completed films! (Or TV series episodes, in one case.) Keep an eye out for the Sebastian Stan double shot!

Cloud (6/10) Is an interesting Japanese film about a guy making a living reselling on online auction sites who gets a bunch of disgruntled people in his wake that want to torture-murder him for what seems like extremely minor reasons.  Very unusual escalation that seems to comment on a common societal fantasy of violence, ambivalence to new economic realities, that small sins are a downward spiral, and that you can trust no one if you are involved in even the lightest of shadiness.  High realism in the action and shooting and such – not escalated in either the action or gore dimensions, very naturalistic. No close ups or quick cuts but very matter of fact filming that I felt was effective. Are all Japanese folks on the edge just looking for some excuse to go nuts?  Maybe!

Teacup (6/10) – We got to see the first two episodes of an upcoming Peacock series that seems like a modern adaptation of Lovecraft’s Color out of Space. We are told it is based on the Robert McCammon novel “Stinger”, adapted by Ian McCulloch who also served as showrunner. “But without the dome.  There’s two dome things already.” Good call, one “city in a dome” thing is more than enough (well, the Simpsons Movie can be the second, but now you’re cut off, horror writers). It’s a family out on a farm – veterinarian mom, cheating dad (Dr. Nick from Grey’s Anatomy), two kids, a grandma who likes to party (“weed helps her MS” but I’m pretty sure she’d party anyway).  Animals start acting weird, strange folks roam the woods, and a guy in a gas mask and gun paints a line around the farm and warns them via whiteboard not to cross it. Then electronics cut out and demented shit happens. Good suspenseful horror. The season plays out over 48 hours. We are not supposed to “give out spoilers” but after 2 half hour episodes we don’t know a thing about what’s going on so…  It was pretty cool, though with “NBC” level character interaction drama (like, not movie level dialogue and acting but better than CW level). The child actor playing the young son who plays a key role is good, which can make or break this kind of story. Worth watching if you have Peacock; probably not a reason to go subscribe if you don’t.

Escape from the 21st Century (6/10) is a crazy and inventive Chinese movie that is kind of Goonies meets Shaolin Soccer meets Back To The Future 2 meets… Surreal stuff. I don’t even know.  Teens in a wacky fight get tossed into a quarry full of chemicals and start time traveling (like, in their personal timeline, so as themselves in their adult future) forward and backward in time when they… Sneeze?  Get knocked out? Want to? The rules are unclear but future them is dystopian as heck (organ harvesting… girlfriend banging a dwarf pimp for drugs…); they try to change the past and can’t, then they fight amonsgt each other and try again? Very gonzo, wide swings from goofy to dark, but of course the power of collectivism will prevail. A little too long and too random but net positive. Not all the effects were done yet, either, so it may squeeze out another point in the final analysis.

Don’t Mess With Grandma, aka Sunset Superman (6/10), is a fun light… home invasion movie!?!  It’s like if Tyler Perry did one of the Jim Varney Ernest movies but starring Michael Jai White.  I’m just sad that three of the home-invader family weren’t played by Paul, Jason, and June from How Did this Get Made because those three actors seemed adjacent to them (though younger, I guess. They can play their parents in the sequel!!!). Jai White is great as the put upon son of the grandma who has to juggle her needs along with not killing any of these fool crackers who are hell bent on robbing the place. It’s all very silly and has plenty of Dio music. The violence is mostly light and humorous, with one exception that was a bit of a jarring tonal shift. This won’t be for everyone, if my setup of “Madea in Ernest Scared Stupid” doesn’t do it for you, I certainly get it.

The Apprentice (6/10) was a secret screening, and was introduced by Sebastian Stan who plays Donald Trump in this biopic about his early years up through the ’80’s. Stan did a great job, he was barely recognizable as himself at times but was a spot on Trump. It shows his rise as a real estate developer and power player, increasingly at the expense of his family, wife, and friends, and his descent into diet pills and serial adultery and spousal abuse. The set design was stunning.  In the end though it’s a movie about banal evil that does not get its comeuppance, which while accurate is unsatisfying. It just ends with him getting lipo and Roy Cohn, his lawyer, mentor, and fixer, dying of AIDS.  It’s good in that it’s balanced, it’s not trying to apologize for Trump or do a hack job on him, but as a result it left me a little nonplussed. “So you’ve shown us Trump is a bit of a corrupt dick.  Cool story, bro. I think everyone knows that just some people like it and some people don’t.” Even biopics need a point, otherwise they’re a documentary with actors. Giving it a bonus point for Sebastian Stan.

A Different Man (6/10) has Sebastian Stan playing a man with extreme facial deformity trying to be an actor in New York.  Since it’s New York he gets the occasional weird look but otherwise gets along fine. He has a crush on his playwright neighbor. And then he gets an experimental treatment that completely removes the deformity and now he’s Sebastian Stan. He makes the weird choice to assume a new name and tell everyone he’s a friend of the deformed guy who died by suicide. Things initially go well for him – real estate success! Women who want to bang Sebastian Stan! But then when he hears the playwright ex-neighbor is doing a play about “a woman and her relationship with her deformed neighbor” he starts to get obsessed and things go downhill especially when a new facially deformed guy shows up.  High concept and cool, but it really starts to meander and there are four times when you think it’s the end but no, here’s another piece, adding… What?  It’s also tough to get insight into the mind of our protagonist, even once the makeup is gone he’s played pretty cryptically between times he trips out. Was there really even a character arc?  I’m not sure, which is weird for how much happens to the lead. It was OK but I think the script thinks it’s more clever than it is. Giving it a bonus point for Sebastian Stan.

Strange Harvest: Occult Murder in the Inland Empire (5/10) is a faux true crime documentary about  a serial killer named “Mr. Shiny” in the San Bernardino area. Starts normal and then ramps up into Lovecraft style weirdness. A little slow and tips its hand into improbability well before the super weird stuff happens (I didn’t know it was a fake documentary when I sat down but the red flags piled up and it became apparent shortly in) but is a good home watch for true crime fans. And it has a post credits scene, which startled the few of us who hung back to plonk away on our phones.

Heavier Trip (5/10) is a sequel to a silly Finnish movie about the hardest of metal bands, Impaled Rektum, and their attempts at gaining metal cred and/or stardom (which are at odds, and one of the themes).  Imprisoned for Nordic crimes against the public peace at the end of last movie, they are in Norwegian prison, which means escaping is easy when they find out they need to save the family reindeer slaughterhouse. Metal hijinks ensue, including hitching a ride with an established metal band whose lead singer is one Michael Brucker looking SOB and an ambivalent relationship with Japanese girl-idol metal band Babymetal. Their goal is to play at the German open air heavy metal festival Wacken to get the money, but the quest for fame intervenes.  The power of friendship, of course, prevails. Something to watch if you are in a goofy mood and/or like metal.

Mr. Crocket (5/10) is a Black-helmed horror movie set in the VHS days about an evil Mr. Rogers who has died and comes back through the TV Freddy Krueger style to kill “naughty” parents and abduct kids to his hellscape.  Some parents survive and want to get their kids back! Solid but doesn’t fully use a lot of its ideas effectively (like the horrific mascots, lots of great design to see very little use). Some funny bits some scary bits some just there bits. No subtlety here, just suddenly shrieking Mr. Crocket on TV screens. If Tales from the Hood had a kids-show segment, this would be it.

Terrifier 3 (5/10) – I’d never seen any of the Terrifier movies, just little clips on TikTok of the clown acting spooky.  I was convinced to see it by the evil lobby clowns and crowd hype at the fest.  It is basically the most gruesome murder/torture porn ever made. At the start the programmer warned “We don’t do content warnings at Fantastic Fest but if you are going to have problems with basically anything, run.”  It’s supernatural in a Chucky sort of way where the rules are super unclear. They bravely tried to catch you up on the plot from Terrifier 1 and 2 with a flashback and A, B, C, and D plots, to middling effect. And then no man, woman, child, or animal is safe from getting their face torn off like an angry chimp on meth is on the loose by the clown and his… zombie girlfriend? At least two major characters get killed unceremoniously offscreen which is weird. The gore effects are the real star here; I have no idea how they so realistically show people e.g. getting full chainsawed from their genitalia on up in full screen with no cuts nothing left to the imagination. I don’t plan on going and watching more of them myself but they’re a thing.

What Happened to Dorothy Bell? (5/10) Is a found footage (though stretching credulity a bit on that point) movie about a female college student whose grandmother went off her rocker back in the day and – burned down a church?  Stabbed the seven-year-old girl in the face?  Then went back to work at the library and killed herself by throwing herself off a single story landing? Ok so the details don’t really check out but it’s scary and has an evil book. She has video sessions with a therapist who is a good argument for replacing mental health professionals with an AI because she had such weak basic responses. For a book oriented evil spirit it’s pretty good with the Internet too, it’s good to see demonic forces keeping their skill sets updated. Anyway, passable but barely, watch in the dark to get a couple frights.

Dead Talents Society (5/10) is a Taiwanese movie (yes, I said it; fuck you Chinese government) about ghost society where they have ghost-televised scaring contests; it owes a lot to Beetlejuice in terms of the “hapless new dead folks try to learn to be scary” plot.  Funny takes on urban legend folklore and pretty typical Asian “the dead are all organized like we are in real life because we love bureaucracy from beyond the grave.” Some fun gags but way too slow and spaced out; I had trouble not snoozing and was really eager for it to be over. And I’m getting pretty sick of all the “ah genZs who can’t be bothered to do anything or care but just roll their eyes and mope around” as a theme; it’s lazy and usually not funny unless you have some new and clever take. YMMV but my patience with Asian media where all the acting is “unrealistic motivation TURNED UP TO ELEVEN” has run out. Full disclosure – many people loved this movie and it got some Fest awards so it may be for you especially if “Japanese Beetlejuice game show” sounds good to you. I’m just in a weird place with Asian movies right now.

Fantastic Fest 2024 – The Good

Plenty of perfectly good movies of various types at this FF! Keep an eye out for a cluster of older movies that are still perfectly good in the middle.

Baby Assassins 3 aka Baby Assassins: Nice Days (8/10) is the latest in Yugo Sakmoto’s Japanese series of “two GenZ shrieky Japanese girls are John Wicks.”  Literally; this is a series made by and with stunt people to show off action choreography and one of the lead girls, Saori Izawa, just got done doing stunts on John Wick 4. The action was top notch including some real knock down drag out hand-to-hand fights. And while the acting in between was still melodramatic to the max, it had some decent character moments, especially between our dynamic duo at the end.  Make out already! I liked it better than the previous entry in the series (Baby Assasins: 2 Babies) – its action was better and character stuff not as silly.

Bookworm (8/10) – This year’s family movie!  Last year Riddle of Fire surprised and delighted me. This year, we have a solid entry with Elijah Wood and a Kiwi girl cracking us up in between bouts of child endangerment. New Zealand precocious kid Mildred (Nell Fisher)’s mom gets landed in a coma from a faulty toaster and her baby daddy comes from the US to help care for her – Elijah Woods, playing a failed David Blaine style magician (“Illusionist!”) who knew mom for a couple hours in a convenience store parking lot in Vegas but hasn’t been in the picture since then. Then they go camping to try to get footage of the mythical Canterbury Panther (NZ’s Bigfoot of a big cat). Besides the predictable prickly daughter-father bonding is surprisingly dark and hilarious writing – no-filter dialogue and some real danger with brutally real consequences. But, you know, for kids!  I hollered out loud at least five times during this film, sometimes in humor, sometimes in shock.

MadS (8/10) is a lively French movie about rave kids in the beginning of a zombie-type outbreak.  A rich kid rave is not where you want your original superspreader event to be. And of course this in turn unleashes the paramilitary death squads. The gimmick here is that it is shot in one long 90 minute take, which really keeps up the momentum!  Ok so I get that they’re all stoned and some have “the virus” but boy French people are excitable! The amount of squalling and hollering and thrashing and running around bashing into things is impressive and along with the one-shot format is one big thrill ride (the sound design is impressive too). I can’t imagine those actresses screaming like that for all that time straight, that’s some sore throats for sure. Anyway, a worthy take on day 0 zombie outbreak especially if you like things like 28 Days Later.

House of Spoils (8/10) sports a chef who has just gotten her big break opens a cauldron-to-table restaurant when the spirit of the witch that used to live in their rustic location starts whispering to her. A good horror movie leveraging our cultural love of hollering “Yes, Chef!” It has super solid production values, this should be a wide-release movie. An interesting roller coaster of twists about what’s going on in the plot and an atypical but welcome – if just a shred preachy – resolution. And despite some gross food scenes it had good ones as well; once it was over I popped down to the nearby Soto for a chili hamachi and lychee martini.

Saturday Night (8/10) was the first secret screening of Fantastic Fest; it’s about Lorne Michaels and the cast and crew getting ready for their first ever Saturday Night Live broadcast in 1975, in real-time for the 90 minutes leading up to its start. Jason Reitman directed and did extensive research and interviews to piece together the intense blend of humor, greed, pride, lust, and cocaine that was that time. Great performances emulating the comedy greats of the day especially of Chevy Chase and John Belushi. Frantic pace and lots of humor, some from the comedians but more from the ridiculous lengths Lorne has to go to in order to hit air (Belushi going missing! Drug induced lockjaw! The Standards & Practices lady!  A llama! Studio suits! Milton Berle’s huge penis! Johnny Carson being a huge penis!).  Mainstream (out of the ordinary for Fantastic Fest) but definitely worth seeing.

Mac and Me (8/10) is what a lot of these “zany” movies aspire to be.  Sure it’s an ET ripoff from 1988, sure it’s full of Coke, McDonalds, and Sears product placement, but it is bananas in a great way. From the weird too-human naked aliens (like… sea-monkeys that have the face of Arseface from The Preacher) that do not even start to obey the laws of physics, to the absolutely wild child-in-wheelchair endangerment, to the full on spontaneous breakdance party at McDonalds (in the credits: “And starring Ronald McDonald as himself”), you absolutely do not expect what is about to happen in the next scene at any point. The audience shrieked in shock and hilarity many times. As a bonus they played the original alternate ending ripped from a Japanese laserdisc where a cop trips and DEAD CENTER SHOOTS WHEELCHAIR KID WHOSE BODY THEN WHEELS INTO A GASOLINE FIRE!?!  “He’s going to be OK!” “He’s gone.” At any moment you don’t know if someone’s going to die in an abandoned cobalt mine or tear up a mall or OD on soda. They said “let’s take ET and turn it up to 11” and I’m here for it. I know this is a high rating for a movie that ended up on How Did This Get Made, but I enjoyed this screening more than the vast majority so I gotta be honest!

The Guest (7/10) was a 4K remaster of a 2014 thriller that goes from being a Hallmark movie about a guy who just got out of the military coming to visit the small town family of a dead brother in arms to help them and romance the sister, to Jason Bourne, to Friday the 13th in short order!  Starring Dan Stevens aka Legion from the FX series (best Marvel TV series to date and I’ll fight anyone who says different) as the boy-next-door-psychopath, . All the family characters were great (except the dad; I was kinda rooting for soldier boy to seduce the wife tbh). Not perfect; the plot doesn’t entirely make sense and tries to be a little much in one sausage casing, but it’s gripping and a solid watch!

Raze (7/10) is another ten year old movie where a bunch of sick one percenter fucks kidnap women and keep them in an underground prison and make them fight to the death in a bare-knuckle arena or else they’ll kill ther loved ones (you know, standard one percenter shit). But not normal women, Aussie Zoe Bell (stuntwoman and actor, you may know her from Tarantino’s Death Proof) is our main character (and producer) and all the women are selected for being formidable – not (all) professional fighters but mostly with some history of violence. So it’s Hunger Games/Battle Royale-y; the women are trying to find a way out of the prison but are also having to just brutally bludgeon their fellow captives to death, friend and foe alike, if their number comes up. All the women actors were hell on wheels and making the most of the opportunity to be a badass. I don’t know why I had never heard of this movie before!

Bone Lake (7/10) sees a couple AirBnBing a nice lake house in the middle of nowhere and it turns out it’s “double booked” with another young hot couple and then the mind, sex, and murder games begin. Gripping and keeps you guessing! Not enough nudity for an erotic thriller though, and the gore level went from 0 to 60 pretty surprisingly at the end.  The whole movie is just 4 actors, and their performances successfully drive the whole film!  And the lovely house is effectively the fifth actor; it’s a great space for the setting (apparently the homeowner really hovered over them while filming) and since it’s the only location you get a really good feeling of the space. Shot in 18 days on a shoestring budget and is really, really good for that!

The Creep Tapes (7/10) was a secret screening – apparently there are a pair of movies I haven’t seen (Creep and Creep 2) and these are the first three episodes of a TV series following on that’ll be on AMC/Shudder.  The crowd reacted favorably upon hearing this; I don’t like it when I hear “TV series” but it got me in a receptive mood. It’s basically a humorous spoof of a serial killer (Mark Duplass) filming his own exploits done super low budget (cast and crew: 5-6 people) and it’s really good! Funny but also startling and… well, creepy.  Just goes to show a good story and talented people makes for good entertainment even if you don’t have any budget and a single shitty digital camera. I’ll go watch Creep and Creep 2 now! This may not be for everyone, it’s definitely a mood, but I liked it. At least one fellow fest-goer did not, for what that’s worth.

Fantastic Fest 2023 – The Bad

OK, so respect to all filmmakers, but some of the movies from the fest I was unhappy with. No 1/5s this year, I don’t completely regret seeing any of them, but I wouldn’t recommend someone watch them unless they are super into whatever its subject in and even then I’d have some notes.

And in the category of “bad”, I had some utter chaos IRL – I had to miss two showings due to a killer hailstorm partially destroying my house. 0/5 no bueno, would not recommend.  Maybe good fodder for a natural disaster film better than Acide. But once I got my shattered windows and skylight covered and called my insurance company, there was really nothing to do but go back to the fest!

Divinity, a very impressionistic black&white film about… immortality serum and… hard to be sure what else exactly. It is directed by Steven Soderbergh but do not let that lead you to think it is good or has a budget over $100k. Has angels (maybe), hookers (pretty sure), scientists (pretty sure), fetus milking (I think) and some stop motion animation for the final scene (real sure). And completely incomprehensible plot. Some interesting visuals at least, 2/5

The Origin aka Out of Darkness, where cro-mags 45000 years ago struggle to survive in Scotland, a blasted and inhospitable wasteland in the best of millennia.  Like Prey or 13th Warrior but less fun. High realism survival… or lack thereof. Dirty and boring mostly, but some suspense, 2/5

Kennedy – An Indian crime drama with our antihero being an ex-cop working as a hit man for crooked cops (and as an Uber driver?) and seeking revenge for his blown up boy. Nice and slick and well acted but way, way too long. 2/3 of the way through you’re like “I know how it’s gonna end let’s just get there eh?” Also he sees dead people but not in any plot relevant way. Cut a half hour or better yet 45 minutes out, put it on Netflix, people will watch it. 2/5

We Are Zombies – A “Z Nation” low-caliber production set in a world where the living and non-brain eating living dead (or “living impaired”) coexist.  Plot is about three slackers ripping off a zombie “humane disposal” company by getting there first and selling people’s former loved ones to a performance artist. “Zilf webcam shows” is the height of humor here.  2/5 and that’s me being generous.

100 Yards – Decent Chinese period martial arts fighting marred by a convoluted plot, frankly baffling character motivation, and indifferent acting.  Not enough martial arts per minute.  And in the end the victor is…. The French post office?  In a surprise last minute victory over… old people? Yes, seriously. I shoulda slept in.  2/5.

Baby Assassins 2 – two Japanese girls (not really babies, more like GenZs) cope with life as assassins guild members when they really just want to eat.  Two similar lads decide they need to kill them to get their spot in the guild and hijinks ensue.  Decent action and super annoying acting. A John Wick premise with an Aggretsuko execution.  Ok but forgettable, except that the Matthew Lillard looking one liked to snack on Churus (the cat treat), which was funny. 2/5

One-Percenter – a Japanese action star really knows him some action and unleashes it on some Yakuza in a “Die Hard in a factory” scenario when they interrupt his filming.  It was ok but the kills (well, takedowns) were a little weak. Floppy fake guns were distracting and I had seen things like flashlight beat downs done much better at the same film festival. And there was too much “meta” actor/stuntman self congratulatory stuff for me (hey film people your film’s audience is not just filmmakers, if you want to make more than $20 that is). 2/5

Saw X – Normally I wouldn’t go to a Saw movie but it was a secret screening so I was already seated by the time it started (though about ten people rushed the door to leave once it was announced).  I haven’t watched many Saw movies so had to figure out that the old guy was Jigsaw and the chick was his apprentice, but I got there.  Jigsaw has brain cancer and goes to an international clinic but it’s a scam so it’s torture murder time.  But man there was a lot of plot relative to the torture murders, unusually, which made it better for me than the average Saw movie. Torture porn not my thing 2/5

The Deep Dark – French miners (well, one is French, the rest are the European version of diversity, a Spaniard, Italian, Moroccan, and so on) dig too deep at the behest of some visiting archaeologist and find some Lovecraft, and get chased around the mines by a Spirit Halloween display.  Started well but lagging pacing and fully showing an unconvincing puppet monster hurt it (have you read no Lovecraft!  Fear of the unknown yo, don’t show the monster so much). 2/5

Fantastic Fest 2023 – The Mid

Not every film can be great, but these are decent and if you’re into whatever their niche is you should give them a try.

The Other Laurens, a French neo-noir (but high color saturation style), a private detective’s estranged twin brother dies and his niece dupes him in to investigate and you know, rich people, bikers, smuggling, betrayal. Slow burn but enjoyable, watch if you like French noir, 3/5

The Silence Project aka Project Silence, where a bunch of squalling Koreans get stuck on a bridge with escaped military-enhanced murder dogs.  Modern, slick, serviceable. For God’s sake Koreans in crisis shriek and yowl and beat their breast and fall down in an outpouring of emotion a lot. They go for a satisfying “punch the guy in charge after the rescue” ending but the lead character was a dirtbag politician until close to the end which robs it of some of the satisfaction. Think of it as “Train to Busan but not as good.”  Watch if you are super into Korean movies, 3/5

Tiger Stripes – A Malaysian girl gets her period and as is traditional that turns into body horror, and ends up with some possession by/turning into a tiger (maybe?).  Looks at the separation that happens between children and young women when they hit that age. Good child actors!  And I liked the look into Malay culture. Well done, 3/5

Eileen – Based on an Ottessa Moshfegh novel (which I then bought at the fest book fair!) in which a young Massachusetts lady is working in a prison and taking care of her drunk widower ex-cop dad in a realistically unpleasant New England. She has her sexual awakening, like most of us, via Anne Hathaway, who plays an elegant prison psychiatrist. Some great lines like “Did she seem angry to you?” “It’s Massachusetts, everyone is angry.” It goes quickly from coming of age story to crime investigation to crime committing. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to liberate the quiet ones, 3/5

Acide – French movie about acid rain attacking.  I was excited and from the intro and opening I thought we were gonna get something good, but then… The color was trash, like ultra compression artifacts trash, but I heard from someone later that was our projection setup not the movie. But then there were very very few people-melts, and I had been led to expect many.  Was it not finished?  There was a blank spot for 15 seconds when I think horses were getting acid rained on…  And like I get it, they’re French, but the amount of flopping to the ground when in danger and total lack of survival skills was shocking.  Not gonna put some plastic sheeting over that car eh?  Gonna wrap your feet in aluminum tins not plastic bags?  No one has baking soda or hydrogen peroxide to treat getting splashed by acid?  The choices (repeatedly) to drive around screaming in the rain instead of just parking inside something was infuriating. I have never said the sentence “Roland Emmerich should remake this” in my life, but now I am. 2/5 but that is influenced by the poor video quality of the version I saw, may be 3/5.

Fantastic Fest 2023 – The Good

Plenty of perfectly good movies of various types at this FF!

The Animal Kingdom, a French movie where some people start gradually turning into one animal or another, causing French style social unrest. A boy and his dad move to a smaller town to be close to “the center” the mom has been remanded to when the boy starts showing signs of animalism too…. Well shot and well made. We all watch tv with subtitles on nowadays, let’s get this going here in the US.  4/5.

Saltburn – Very well made Harry Potter slashfic I saw as a secret screening.  The lad from Banshees of Inisherin goes to Oxford and meets a rich boy who takes him back to his manor house of Saltburn to hang out with his decadent/goofy family leading to both homoeroticism and The Talented Mr. Ripley style supplantation.  Suspenseful, with some super gross scenes causing the audience to scream “oh god why” a couple times – like Babylon x2. 4/5 or 3/5 if you have a weak stomach. [Editor’s note from a year later – this came out in theaters and made a good splash.]

The Last Stop in Yuma County – A fun entry in the “stuck in a diner under threat of violence” genre, with great characters which is what you need out of one of those.  Various people with various agendas, some criminal, drop in on a diner out in the middle of nowhere and things start to get tense. Good writing and acting and use of the location. The producer sold his house to make it, which is a little drastic but I think it’ll pay off. 4/5

Cobweb – A fun Korean movie about the rigors of moviemaking, which I was prepared to dislike because I don’t like filmmakers masturbating about how cool they are but Jee-woon Kim successfully subverts expectations.  Song Kang-ho does a great job as the director who is trying to re-shoot his movie to make it Brilliant(tm) despite the government censors being against it, although I am not sure any of the performances count as “nuanced.” The spider won me over, 4/5

Dream Scenario – A secret screening. Nicolas Cage (well, his character, an average Joe professor) starts appearing in people’s dreams, it turns into an Internet meme once people clue in, and then it all goes bad.  Less blood-covered shrieking Cage than many of his recent movies – but not zero.   Good A24 type stuff, though a little heavy handed on the social media/cancel culture theme.  4/5 [Editor’s note from a year later – this also came out in theaters and made a good splash.]

Dogman – A secret screening. Luc Besson directed (but all American English) movie about a… drag queen dog whisperer in a wheelchair!  It was really interesting, and mostly hinged on Caleb Landry Jones’ virtuoso performance.  As an aside, that is one Joker looking son of a bitch if ever I saw one, DC needs to call him up. Anyway, very interesting narrative structure, mostly “The Usual Suspects” style extended interrogation flashback style.  Similarities to The Professional in that it ends up in a bit of apocalyptic shootout but also in that it has real heart and compassion for its characters.  Really enjoyable. I appreciated that drag was part of the main character’s ongoing healing process from his abusive childhood, not related to his “crimes” in any way. No distribution in North America yet because of the anti-Besson sentiment. 4/5

Spooktacular! – A documentary about the Spookyworld theme park that rose and fell in the 1990s in the Northeast and spurred the rise of the modern hardcore haunted house industry.  Mixes park content with business realities and social change and its interaction with the park.  And plenty of Alice Cooper and Tom Savini, who were involved at points. Really interesting, and makes me wish I had been to Spookyworld!  We have House of Torment here in Austin but it only does a third of what these folks did! 4/5 at least in documentary terms. https://www.spooktacularthemovie.com

When Evil Lurks – an Argentinian movie following two brothers who desperately try to escape a demonic presence that moves and spreads kinda like Legion but with more people being affected. I like that the government has standard protocols for handling this but generally is inefficient and sucky so it gets out of hand before they start actually following them.  Reminds me of the Mexican movie “We Are What We Are” I saw a previous year at FF where cannibals on a rampage were called in by the police as a “code 17”, a concerningly low number for such an event. The seven rules for dealing with the “corrupted” are basically “run” which is what they do.  Shocking violence against kids. Some holes but fewer than most modern horror movies! 4/5

Your Lucky Day – a $156 million lottery ticket winner in a bodega at night close to the holidays results in a robbery gone wrong, the winner and a policeman getting capped, and then the survivors – a robber, the clerk, and a married and expecting couple, deciding “well… maybe we should cook up a story about what happened and split the winnings.”  Needless to say such plans are unstable and things go from bad to worse as more people get involved, with the increasing body count resulting in yet more convoluted schemes. P.S. ACAB.  4/5

Sri Asih: The Warrior – Indonesian Wonder Woman, basically, in the “Bumlangit Cinematic Universe” which is as much or more fun and high budget as the DCEU. A girl is born during a weirdly supernatural volcano eruption, grows up in an orphanage, gets adopted and trained as a MMA fighter as visions of a fire goddess try to convince her to unleash her anger and give in to the dark side… and then basically she becomes a superhero! She then combats the ever popular combination of supernatural evil, the criminal rich, and the patriarchy.   Good mostly practical fight scenes,  top quality cinematography, action choreography by the company the Raid guy founded. Great work here, better than most DC movies and at least half of the Wonder Woman movies. 4/5

I’ll Crush Y’all, aka Os reviento – Spanish movie where a boxer and ex-criminal trying to just live a clean life gets caught up in a bunch of accidentally colliding criminal schemes after his father dies of old age, requiring him to beat the stuffing out of various waves of local goons.  His brother and ex-girlfriend and new would-be girlfriend and father’s old flame put in appearances as well, and you understand the relationships between the various groups here they’re not just arbitrary unrelated criminal armies like in so many less good movies. Bloody and funny with a lot of friendly fire and self injuries by the street level thugs as the bodies pile up. Got the Fantastic Fest audience award, I wouldn’t go that far but it was fun and violent, 4/5

Totally Killer – A Blumhouse joint in the vein of Happy Death Day’s vibe and a plot that’s Halloween crossed with Back To The Future. A modern gen-Z girl has parents whose friends got serial-killed back in the 1980s by a masked killer leading up to Halloween, and the killer suddenly returns and kills her mom!  This then leads her to get her friend’s time machine she’s been developing (eye roll) to to back in time to stop the murders. Most of the humor is from a modern kid being back in the unsafe 1980s, and it’s pretty funny, it doesn’t spend time on cheap pop culture references, but shows her culture shock with the lack of security and such.  A ride in a station wagon with all all windows rolled up and completely full of cigarette smoke with kids in the back gave me IRL flashbacks. Fun, silly, stabby, 4/5, take a point off if you weren’t around in the 80’s.

D&D 5e PHB Readthrough, Chapter 8: Adventuring

adventureAnd now we get to the Adventure!  Welcome to this installment in my D&D Fifth Edition PHB readthrough and review. This time, Chapter 8: Adventuring.

First they reiterate the D&D Decision Loop (DDDL) from earlier:

  1. The DM describes the environment
  2. The players describe what they want to do
  3. The DM narrates the result of their actions

Firmly establishing the trad playstyle.  I’m actually a little ambivalent about this, I like some player participation in limited environment narration and especially action narration but I can see they’re setting the baseline here.

Then we get the usual sections that have been in every PHB since time immemorial. Time, Movement, Vision and Light… It’s all pretty straightforward.  6 second rounds like the kids use nowadays. Crawling and swimming and stuff are simplified to just use 2 feet of movement to go 1 foot. Skill checks are described as being binary – you might make Strength (Athletics) checks to be able to climb or swim, but then the speed is invariant.

I like the “Interacting with Objects” section, instead of a big chart of substance hardness and hit points like in 3e it just says “DM will decide, and if he says you can’t cut a rope with a club, then that’s the way it is.”  I could see a DM advice book with things like the 3e hardness chart as “Here’s some guidance, if you don’t happen to personally know where bone fits vis-a-vis wood and stone in the hardness follies” but I like it being kept out of the core rules for simplicity.

But wait… Then a section on Social Interaction and Roleplaying?  What’s the world coming to? Isn’t D&D just torches and swords and orcs and Cheetos? They describe third person (“Descriptive”) roleplaying and first person (“Active”) roleplaying, and correctly note the second is more immersive. Affecting NPCs is a mix of roleplaying with the possibility of Charisma checks.  This is great, like a lot of things it moves the dial back to Basic/1e/2e times before affecting NPC attitudes was a completely rules exercise where “Diplomancers” could min-max happily enslaving anyone they could talk to with their +50 Diplomacy skills.

Next resting. Like 4e there is a “short rest” (1 hour, and you can roll up to your level in Hit Dice to heal) and a “long rest” (8 hours, and you regain all your hit points and 1/2 your Hit Dice).  This is the primary healing mechanic, which is pretty – perhaps overly – generous (on average, you can heal 2x your entire hit points in the first day). So don’t expect much in the way of lingering wounds.

Then there’s a between adventures section involving lifestyle expenses (from Chapter 5) and downtime.  This is very similar to the Pathfinder downtime system – options include making money from crafting or professions or doing research or training or recuperating from diseases or other effects.

This chapter’s a bit of a laundry list but it is a necessary laundry list of how you do what you do when you’re not murdering.

D&D 5e PHB Readthrough, Chapter 7: Using Ability Scores

beholderWelcome to this installment in my D&D Fifth Edition PHB readthrough and review. We are entering “Part 2: Playing the Game” with a chapter on using ability scores.

First they reprint the Ability Scores and Modifiers section from earlier, in penance for their questionable organizational skills. They explain advantage and disadvantage, one of the big new mechanics in 5e – in many cases, instead of an additional bonus or penalty to a d20 roll,  you roll twice and take the best or worst die result instead. Advantage and disadvantage cancel each other. Simpler and elegant, though they’ve retained enough bonuses/penalties and other stuff to track that it doesn’t hugely simplify the system.

Finally they kinda explain skills.  They try to keep skills on the down-low in this version, basically you generally use ability checks but you can add your proficiency bonus to skills you have. Since proficiency bonuses really only range from +2 to +6 that means that, barring other abilities, there’s not a huge difference between having a skill and not having it.

They also describe passive checks, which is just taking 10 on the die, done when you’re doing it repeatedly or the GM wants to do it in secret (different from 3e’s taking 10 and 20). And working together, which provides advantage.

Group checks have an interesting mechanic – everyone makes the check and if half or more succeed, the group succeeds.  This removes the shitty “everyone makes a roll and one person is going to fail/succeed because probability” problem in earlier editions, very elegant.

Next they just go into what you use Strength, Dexterity, etc. for.  None of this is all that new and surprising, except DEX gives you bonuses to both attack and damage with ranged and finesse weapons, 4e-style. A sidebar on hiding sweeps away hundreds of pages of rules lawyering from previous editions, just saying “you can’t hide if someone can see you – but if you’re hidden you can sneak up on someone if they’re distracted, at the DM’s discretion.” You know, like all sane people have done it. (Google “The Rules Of Hidden Club” if you want to see how pathetically insane rules lawyers have gotten on this topic.)

And then saving throws are just ability checks (plus proficiency if applicable).

So the general message is… Ability checks! Roll them!

D&D 5e PHB Readthrough, Chapter 6: Customization Options

customWelcome to this installment in my D&D Fifth Edition PHB readthrough and review. We’ve reached the end of the Character Creation section.  Now it’s time to customize.

By customize, I guess we really mean “some more spare rules.”  We start with multiclassing. It works like 3e where you can add levels ad hoc in whatever classes.  It has the additional twist of having ability score minimums, which is an interesting and IMO satisfying middle ground between the 1e “you need this much ability to be this class” and 3e-style “minmax however you want.”

Then there are feats. Feats are optional in 5e, you take them in place of an ability score advance (every fourth level). Since you have fewer of them than in 3e, each one is pretty buff.  In fact, oddly, some give you one point of ability advance anyway. Even the “skill” ones are good – let’s take “Actor,” which would be +2 to 2 skills in 3e (yawn).  Here, it gives you +1 Charisma, advantage on deception and performance checks, and an ability to mimic someone’s speech. Many are of course combat focused, like Dual Wielder gives you +1 AC and the ability to 2-handed fight with non-light weapons, and the ability to draw or stow 2 weapons at once.  I like how many of them add those little details (like the draw/stow) that show they’ve thought through the little details. A couple are boring (Skilled – Gain proficiency in 3 skills!) but that’s the minority, and they’re designed to help you push in some character direction you can’t get by class min-maxing in the new regime. And, they’re not strictly better than the +2 to a stat (though since the limit is 20, if you put a high number in your primary stat, a couple advances probably cap you out and you are looking to diversify anyway).

There’s only 42 feats, but each one is meaty, and you’re only going to get a fistful with any character, and I’m sure more will come (whenever they decide to publish anything else…).

And we’re done with character generation!  Solid all in all. Streamlined and not as fiddly as 3e, but more consistent and customizable than 2e. And a real role-playing game and not a pure tactical boardgame like… Uh… Some editions.

D&D 5e PHB Readthrough, Chapter 5: Equipment

tenfootpoleWelcome to the next in the series of my D&D Fifth Edition PHB readthrough and review. I know there’s been a little time gap, I had some bidness to attend to.

The equipment chapter kicks off with the basic monetary system and starting gold.  The electrum piece (worth 1/2 a gold piece) has returned from the sands of time. Ah, nostalgia, I remember you fondly.

Then they talk about selling treasure.  Undamaged gear is worth 50% of the list price, but monster gear is usually junk.  Then they finally breach the 3.e/Pathfinder bugbear, magic items – magic items are expensive and rare and selling anything but the most common is problematic, let alone buying them.  This is happy and leads me to believe that the “magic item economy,” which resulted in “Christmas tree syndrome,” one of the least delightful things about mid-range D&D editions, has been swept away.

Armor is somewhat simplified and has the interesting design decision that light armors allow full Dex bonus to AC, medium half, and heavy none. On the one hand that compensates nicely for different approaches, on the other hand it tends towards “everyone has AC 16-18, period.”

Weapons are simpler than in some editions, more complex than in others. They have one damage rating that is a die and type (e.g. 1d8 bludgeoning) – never any “1d4+1” or the like. Then they have some keyword-properties like the kids are into nowadays that indicate special uses – heavy, two-handed, reach, finesse, light, etc. Finesse weapons use DEX for both attack and damage in this edition, making the uber-strength fighter a less automatic choice.  There’s no such thing as a masterwork weapon but you can silver one for 100gp.

Then they have other gear. You know, cook pots, paper, and the ever-popular ten foot pole. This is mostly “like every equipment list ever.” There’s a couple points of interest, like “Basic Poison” that requires a DC 10 Constitution saving throw or take 1d4 points of damage. And a potion of healing – at 50 gp – that will heal 1d4+2 hit points. So they don’t conflate healing with the hit dice thing (like 4e did with healing surges). I’m not sure how I feel about that, seems like “heal a Hit Die” mechanic is pretty smoov, and it would be simple to reuse it whenever being healed from other sources, but whatever. There’s sub-tables for barrels and ships and stuff.

The Tools are interesting. They claim that tools “help you do something you couldn’t otherwise do” – but mechanically they just let you add your proficiency bonus.  So if you’re a fighter, you can try to pick a lock without a proficiency or tools and just up and make the Dex check. But if you have the skill proficiency *and* the tools, you can add your proficiency bonus. As proficiency bonuses aren’t that large overall that seems a little odd.

A final cool part is the lifestyle expenses.  I remember this from Living campaigns back in the 1990s. Basically there’s a listed cost for living at certain social levels – from Wretched to Aristocratic.  They kinda wuss out and have no mechanical hook to those except to say “Well you know if you’re po’ then nobles won’t like you but thieves might.”

Similarly to the “magic items aren’t bought and sold like cattle” dynamic, even getting spells cast for hire is noted to be difficult – you can get a common level 1 or 2 spell in a major city for 10-50 gp but past that it’s DM fiat and quests, baby.

Then there’s two semi wasted pages on “trinkets” – a new character gets one!  Roll 1d100, you have “a single caltrop made from bone.” Seems gimmicky to me but I get that they’re trying to provoke some kind of “you are a real and unique person” roleplaying using it so that’s fine. Till you’ve made a bunch of characters and it gets repetitive.

All in all I like where they’re going!  Next time, Customization Options!

D&D 5e PHB Readthrough, Chapter 4: Personality and Background

4 personality types farsideTwenty pages of actual roleplaying-related information in a Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook?  What’s the world coming to?

Welcome to the next in the series of my D&D Fifth Edition PHB readthrough and review. We ground through all the classes last time; now, a lighter chapter.

In many earlier editions of D&D, the extent to which personality and background were covered could be described as:

1. A sentence or two telling you to “make one up”

2. The alignment section – “What else do you need?” Maybe religion and height, weight, and hair color, if you consider those “personality.”

I think both 2e (“alignment only”) and 3e (half a page saying “make up a personality and background and maybe have some tattoos or something”) could be fairly described in this way.

Now, don’t get too excited, hardcore immersionists – since this is D&D, we have to hook rules to this stuff, don’t expect 20 pages explaining the actual art of creating a realistic character or anything.

So first we have a page of name, sex, height/weight, distinguishing marks and scars, just like your PC’s eventual rap sheet. In a move towards inclusivity, in the Sex section they mention that you can be something other than simple M or F, and/or be gay or whatever.

This couple sentences has caused a good bit of squabbling online.  I’ll just say:

1. This is a good thing. Back in the 2e days you couldn’t be black or gay in D&D, so this is a pretty big change. (I joke… Kinda.)

2. If you don’t think this is a good thing, STFU. I am not looking to host a comment war from the anti-gay/woman/tranny/whatever contingent (or the “I’m not anti, I just don’t understand why it has to be brought up…” contingent). Comments below in that vein will be deleted, period. Go talk about it somewhere else if you need to.

Alignment is back to the normal alignments from every edition except 4e, with independent law/neutral/chaos and good/neutral/evil axes.  I wish it said out loud “alignment is a [descriptive] tool, not a [prescriptive] straitjacket” like it does in 2e; the best they do is to note that “individuals may vary.” I assume the arguments about “you’re not playing your alignment!” will continue for another decade. That’s a missed opportunity.

Languages!  You can learn them.  Apparently druid language and thieves’ cant are back, but not, blessedly, alignment languages.

Now to personality.  Besides a couple sentences with some guidance about what makes a good personality trait, you choose Ideals (things you believe), Bonds (relationships), and Flaws (personal problems). Well, one of each at least. The Backgrounds that are to come suggest some of each of these.  Borrowed from modern indie games is the concept of Inspiration; basically you can get a free “use this to get advantage on a roll” token (limit one at a time) for acting according to  your ideals, bonds, or flaws. This is a pretty tentative step – you only pick one of each and it’s up to the DM whether it’s really ever going to come up or not – but I think it’s a healthy, positive step to helping people build characters that are more than a collection of kill points.

Next we have backgrounds, which are mainly bundles of proficiencies, languages, equipment, and suggested characteristics. For example, “Acolyte” or “Entertainer” or “Soldier” or “Urchin.” Or you can “Customize” one (kinda like make up your own, but more oddly worded).

An Aside On Proficiencies

Basically “Proficiency” usually just means “you can add your proficiency bonus to the roll” in 5e, so you don’t have to have skills to try something – but having a skill makes you better at it, and a toolkit lets you do something you couldn’t do otherwise. Many things you’d think of as trained skills aren’t actual skills – if you want to be a woodcarver, you don’t get proficiency in woodcarving, you get proficiency in a woodcarving toolset (though  you can use it without the proficiency, you just don’t get to add your bonus).

This is a little confusing because they don’t have a “Skills” or “Proficiencies” chapter – they just mention all this in passing in various other places. The definitive list of 18 skills finally shows up later in Chapter 7. Proficiencies in armor, weapons,  and tools are explained in Chapter 5 (wearing armor you’re not proficient in gets you disadvantage on attacks and STR/DEX checks and you can’t cast spells in it – yes, if your wizard is proficient in plate you can cast in it fine; weapons and tools just lack your proficiency bonus), and saving throws are explained in Chapter 7 as well.

Anyway, for example, the Urchin background grants proficiency in Slight of Hand, Stealth, Disguise kit, Thieves’ tools, and some gear.  You also get a single special “Feature,” in this case ability to move twice as fast while travelling in the city. Suggested personality traits include”I ask a lot of questions” and “I don’t like to bathe,” suggested Ideals include “Respect” and “Retribution,” suggested Bonds include “I’ll fight to defend my home” and “I owe a debt I can never repay,” and suggested Flaws include “I’ll run away if outnumbered” and “I’d rather kill someone in their sleep than fight fair.”

Oddly, the Ideals get tagged with alignment ties – “Respect” is good while “Retribution” is evil – but other things don’t (“Kill someone in their sleep?”) I wish they hadn’t done that, especially because these all are on random tables for if you want to roll.  If you’re LG and roll “Retribution” what do you do?  I’d expect you’d come up with a LG-complaint version of its “eat the rich” concept, but the alignment tag raises unanswered questions of “So can I not take that, or what…?”  My advice is to ignore that alignment tag on the Ideals.

In conclusion, this is a good chapter and really helps raise the bar on roleplaying in D&D.  My only meaningful concern is that they don’t explain clearly enough that all this – alignment, but the rest too – is all helpful description of a real , complex fictional person and not something a character “must do” – there will be an unlimited number of arguments over “You’re not playing your Urchin right/Lawful Good right/retribution right/etc.”, just because that’s how many clueless gamers have done it over the last 40 years. Recently in 4e we saw this with the roles – “You can’t be a Striker and do X!” I think they should have learned from history and couched this a little better, just so people have to put up with 20% fewer twerps in their future. Any noobs reading this – please just treat these as approximate descriptions of someone’s personality and NEVER EVER get into squabbles of “you can’t do that it’s not your alignment…” You make the world dumber when you do.