Category Archives: reviews

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Eight

The last day of the fest. Fatigue has set in. You’ve seen most of the films so you start picking random stuff out of the schedule.

Angel’s Egg A restored 1984 anime by Mamoru Oshii (Ghost in the Shell) and illustrated by Yoshitaka Amano (Vampire Hunter D). Cryptic, weird, haunting. A little girl (?) tends a large egg in an abandoned world and meets a mysterious soldier (?). Very little dialogue, mostly the sounds of wind and rain and water and footsteps. Cool and surreal. It’s on HBO MAX now but I figured I should see it on the big screen, and that was the right call. Slow and moody alert, but I like that. 4/5 stars.

Lunatic: The Luna Vachon Story A documentary about female wrestler Luna Vachon and her struggle to get both herself and women’s wrestling taken seriously, with bipolar disorder, lots of drugs, a culture of abuse, and sex trafficking getting in the way (not to mention Vince McMahon). Lots of segments from her adoptive father Paul “The Butcher” Vachon, several wrestlers she had been friends with, and her son, who is all blonde, square-jawed, and smiling as he relates heartwarming tales of not seeing his mom for years, getting involved in gangs, being beaten, not seeing her for a year at a time, and doing lines of coke with her. (He went on to first prison and then a couple seasons of Hell’s Kitchen). A pretty depressing expose (Rowdy Roddy Piper likes to rape 13-year-olds apparently) alongside a tale of someone who spent every bit of her energy trying to achieve her dream and got 98% of the way there despite it all. 3.5/5 stars.

Camp (or, CAMP) – A young woman is upset because she ran over a kid when she was 16 and her best friend OD’ed recently. So she goes to become a camp counselor and makes friends with the other counselors who like to party, take drugs, and engage in light witchcraft. It is… puzzling and unsatisfying and gets real surreal toward the end. But maybe their witchcraft works because I want to hate it, but there were enough flashes of good moviemaking to keep me engaged… It seems like any random cult dreck movie but was slightly better, though for no reason I am able to identify. It was not comedy, or horror, or drama really, just… dreamy? 2/5 stars.

I talked with others after the showing to try to make sense of it. “I’m not sure who that’s for or what it’s trying to say or why” was a common sentiment. But, opinions vary, it won one of the fest awards. I’m trying not to be judgemental about that, though this seems more like a film you’re “supposed” to like (ha ha! down with Christians and up with lesbianism!) than you actually *do* like.

Then the final slot of the fest! They saved a new horror movie for it to go out with a bang.

Whistle – Hot goth lesbian moves to a new high school and she and her friends, a jock, a princess, a The Crow cosplayer, and a hot preppie lesbian, run afoul of an Aztec Death Whistle that kills all who hear it!  About what you’d expect, the cool twist is that you die in the way you eventually would if you lived till whenever you were gonna kick the bucket, from “old age” to “fell into a wood chipper.” Oddly none are peaceful, even if it’s old age you get chased around by an old ghoulish monster version of yourself first. The kills are not as epic as you’d hope for though, from a Final Destination kind of thing. 3/5 stars, maybe generous but heck I’m in a generous mood!

And now, the closing night party! I don’t always go to these but this one sounded boss. It was out at Robert Rodriguez’ Troublemaker Studios in a cool outside city set!

Besides music and drinking there was a big ol fantasy LARP type of scavenger hunt where you had to protect a minotaur by defeating a minotaur hunter, which involved a lot of fetch quests from random NPCs – find runes, deliver a message, find an herb, draw some sketches, you know, adult Dora the Explorer episodes.

In the end it’s rolling dice at a table getting benefits from each thing you gathered. I hooked up with a band of merry folks and we murderized the bad guy!

And that was Fantastic Fest 2025, the 20th anniversary edition! I’m sure to go back next year, I just need to make sure I get a Superfan badge so I don’t have to queue for tickets. I hope some of these movie reviews help and encourage you to check out some unusual films you might otherwise not notice!

My three best of the fest were Sirat, A Woman Called Mother, and Ikatan Darah – a drama, a horror movie, and an action movie, all foreign. Keep an eye out for them.

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Seven

A week in but we’re still not done! It starts hurting a bit at this point. But, you know, a good hurt.

Let’s dispense with the first two quickly, as they were both forgettable.

V/H/S Halloween A collection of “found footage” ultra low budget shorts. They can all be summed up as “something to do with a shakycam and all your haunted house props in the off season.” Vaguely amusing, mostly snoozing. 2/5 stars.

Deathstalker – A remake of the 1984 fantasy film. Daniel Bernhardt is our sword-swinging antihero cursed by an amulet he looted off a dying prince.  He will have to defeat way too many glistening latex monsters and stop-motion critters to defeat a prophecy or something.  What will carry the day?  The poorly aimed magic missiles of the lizard-midget Doodad?  The cute scrappy but utterly ineffective thief girl? A magical four-bladed sword made by a bored kid in shop class?  Lead guitar by Slash on the song “Deathstalker?” Fight choreography straight out of the worst Hercules: The Legend Continues episodes? We’ll see.  A fun throwback to bad 1980s fantasy movies, but not, you know… Good. The pacing was leaden. 2/5 stars.

There was a “20 years of the Masters of Horror” panel with Don CoscarelliJoe Dante, and Ernest Dickerson; I could only catch a couple minutes of it though before running to one of the best movies of the fest.

A Woman Called Mother (Dia Bukan Ibu) – Genuinely terrifying. I watch a lot of horror and can’t remember the last time I got actually scared by a movie but woo doggie this one did it.

An Indonesian movie (the writer/director has been at Fantastic Fest before, in 2021 with martial arts actioner Preman), it’s about a single mom and her two teenage kids, a boy and a girl (the eldest and primary lead) moving out into the sticks where their uncle lives to start a hair salon a couple years after the father left. It has deep and complex character interaction very realistic to a partially-broken family. Does the mom regret being a mother? How does she reclaim her womanhood while also a single mom to two kids? How does the bond between the siblings weather their new life circumstances? How do you balance living a family member with the consequences of their mental health issues? Hey why does mom slaughter chickens every day? Are the kids just being really suggestible because they spend their spare time filming “ghosts are here” content for social media, or did they really see something weird in the mirror? The girl’s subjective observation vs reality can be hazy… Oh but don’t worry it ramps up hard as the movie barrels toward its climax! It almost lags a couple times- there’s twice you think “oh the movie might be over” but that’s just it starting another level up of crazy.

Expertly done, every bit as good as a Hereditary or other modern horror touchstone. This isn’t “good for an Indonesian movie” it’s top tier. It’s the director’s first horror movie and he’s got the touch for sure. 5/5 stars.

Between this and Ikatan Darah the Indonesians are on fire this year! Afterwards I made sure to find the director and actor of the older sister, who had both come to Austin for the premiere, and told them how good it was.

Then there was another secret screening. I waited in the standby line but couldn’t get in, and by that time it was too late to see something else. It was the new Gore Verbinski movie “Good Luck, Have Fun, Don’t Die” starting Sam Rockwell, apparently. I’d never heard of it but later I heard that folks tended to like it. My late showing of horror comedy Coyotes was like three hours away – I went and got some dinner and killed an hour, and then I just couldn’t take it and went home.

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Six

This morning in the first slot they were also running some D&D! How could I resist.

Courtesy of the nice folks at Tiny Minotaur, they ran a Dungeon in a Box adventure where we all ended up taking over mecha to fight a giant bug. I played Scylla the bronze dragonborn Circle of the Sea druid. I had a fun group, the other players were a guy and his dad both of who come to the fest, and two lovely ladies on their honeymoon. We rocked through the adventure with nary a hit point lost.

Theater is Dead A really fun movie about a college engineering major lured into acting in a local theater production! I won’t give away the twist but it’s like Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Glee. A lot of the cast and crew had worked together on Juniper and self funded this, did like 3 jobs each, and filmed it in in 14 days.  Most “we did this on a shoestring” movies are “good, you know, considering that” but this looked perfectly big budget and well done! High energy, funny, tightly edited, and very engaging, the audience was really into it. This is the kind of “theater people making stuff for themselves” premise that has fueled many indifferent kinda-cringe horror movies but this was really skillfully executed and was a joy to watch. Sure, it had goofy bits but that was part of the point, they never let it lag. 4/5 stars.

Then the big evening showing was a secret screening. What could it be, everyone buzzed? And we were psyched to find out we were going to see One Battle After Another!

One Battle After Another by Paul Thomas Anderson, inspired by Thomas Pynchon’s novel Vineland. Leonardo DiCaprio and Regina Hall are revolutionaries, part of the French 75, who rob banks and free detainees from immigrant concentration camps. As so often happens, the feds get people to rat and it all falls apart and people go into hiding, and Leo and his daughter go to ground for decades while he bakes his brain on drugs and she grows up and hangs out with her high school friends. But the forces of law, mostly driven by racism and sex perversion, never let it go and then they’re on the run again – and that’s when they run across Benicio Del Toro, the daughter’s karate teacher, who is involved in a big immigrant underground railroad. It’s an interesting and lively take on resisting injustice, and the different approaches to that and the terrible cost of it. See it before Trump bans it! 5/5 stars.

After, they gave out fake beard-thingys, which was fun. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!

Her Will Be Done a teenage girl lives on a mud-covered (modern day) cow farm in the hillbilly region of France.  Is she a lesbian, a witch, or just Polish? The locals don’t really like any of those options. Then slime molds start growing everywhere and cows start dying as the girl who offed her abusive boyfriend tries to sell her house, also garnering the ire of the locals. Very slow burn and suspenseful. It’s one of those “so was that supernatural horror – or not?” movies. There’s nudity and cows dying, so it would never play here in the US where we tolerate those things worse than mass murder in film.  Very well done! 3.5/5 stars.

Beast of WarRemember the story Quint tells in Jaws about his naval vessel in WWII sinking and nearly everyone getting eaten by sharks?  This is that but Australian. Totally serviceable survivor horror shark movie. But is the real enemy the shark – or racism? Find out here. 3/5 stars.

Not much more to say. Shark! More tomorrow.

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Five

The second half of the festival arrives! Some of the glitterati bail after the weekend, they even sell a “second half” badge, and many of the movies get shown in the first and second halves.

Before the first film of the day, I quickly went to the spooky book sale or whatever they called it, focusing on Texas horror authors, where I picked up three – “The Legend of Charlie Fish” by Josh Rountree (Tachyon Publishing), a horror novel set in Galveston during the hurricane, “Whispers of the Dead Saint” by John Bathlisberger (Madness Heart Press), fiction for Mork Borg the new style RPG, and “Mother-Eating” by Jess Hagemann (Ghoulish Books), a retelling of Marie Antoinette’s reign set in Austin. And I got all three signed by the author!

I also picked up “Corpses, Fools, and Monsters” a book about transness in cinema. If you like horror and barbeque, check out Haunt Happy Books in Lockhart and if you like gaiety check out The Little Gay Shop in Austin.

For the first movie slot, I planned to see “whatever I missed out of Sirat, Luger, Vicious, and Folies Merutreries.” I saw all the other three already, which is good because Sirat was a winner.

Sirat – This film hit me like a ton of bricks. Here’s my raw notes I took as I sat outside the theater afterward still having to will myself not to cry a half hour later.

“I don’t know what I’m feeling. Loss? Grief? Existential dread? My heart feels hollow. People say it’s bleak. Is it really? Or is it just unflinching?”

I don’t really know how to explain the movie, the plot is really just a reason the characters are there – a man and his young son are living in their van driving around looking for their teenage daughter, and they go to an underground rave in the desert near Morocco to hand out flyers and look for her. The federales break that one up but they hear from some of the ravers there’s another one so they caravan across the desert with some interesting characters that definitely seem like career race-goers – sun-baked, drug-baked, tattooed, one missing an arm, another a leg, speaking a mix of Spanish, French, English, and Arabic, weird but but good-natured, in a converted bus and Mercedes 911 transport truck. Some things go wrong while driving for days and days across the desert. Maybe World War III is happening in the background, hard to tell when you’re in the middle of a Moroccan desert.

There’s a pretty sparse amount of dialogue – most of the time it’s just sensory storytelling – thumping bass, roaring engine, and the moan of dust-laden desert wind. Definitely needs to be seen on the big screen, or at least the big speakers! But what’s it about? I don’t know, man. Human connection but isolation. Hope and desperation and despair. Everyday toil and the suddenness of tragedy. All of that. In my opinion it shows how you cross the thin line to being a refugee. Sirat means “the narrow bridge from hell to paradise” so that tracks I guess.

I have to stop writing about it now because I’m getting upset again. But best of the fest by a wide margin. Won the Jury Prize at Cannes too and is getting submitted by Spain for the international Academy Award. NEON will be releasing it here in January. 5/5 stars.

I just sat outside in silence until the next showing. Here’s another review of Sirat for you. It’s best seen on the big screen, or at least the big speaker, as so much of it is the immersive sound design and cinematography. Here’s a Spotify playlist of the soundtrack if you want to desert-rave.

Penance – a movie made for $7k by a bunch of stunt people!  Good action in the beginning, two brothers attack a whole warehouse+bar installation of goons because… something about their sister? Anyway, they kill infinite goons but the Bad Guy and his three sons jack them up, burning one with acid and such.  Cut to three years later and they are healed up and ready for revenge, they go after it a lttle more serial-killy than you can do and stay the good guys.  Lags hard in the middle but there’s a good twist at the end. The sound wasn’t finished, and the acting levels varied, but for $7k quite an achievement! 3/5 stars.

Dinner to Die For – a hot food photographer and true crime lover needs a piece de resistance for her new cookbook. She teases her pet friendzoned guy with scenarios about participating in a food related thrill kill with a curvy lesbian next door. Is she just teasing him? What will happen?  A good South African thriller made mainly with three people and a cool loft. 3/5 stars.

One fine day, all the movies made during COVID will finally finish being released and we’ll get full casts again. Though maybe peak capitalism will still prevent it. Anyway, this leads us to the second Secret Screening of the fest!

Bugonia – The new Emma Stone acted, Yorgos Lanthimos directed, Ari Aster produced A-tier feature about two losers who abduct hyper-CEO Emma Stone because they think she’s an alien plotting against humanity, as proven by the stuff she and her bio-pharma-tech-whatnot company does to people and the world. Which is plausible. It was good, a fun ride! Conspiracies, capitalism, and so on. Possibly more ambitious in touching on “hot button topics” than actually delivering on solid conclusions on them. I will sum it up as “Emma puts the lotion on her skin or she gets the hose again” and “Fuuuuucking Andromedans!” 4/5 stars.

In the final slot I had a ticket to The Curse, but I have a bad attitude about all the ‘social media horror’ movies this year, I feel like they’re all just “let’s remake The Ring or whatever but instead of VHS it’s… Instagram!” That may not be fair in every case but it’s fair enough that I avoided the genre, which means after going outside to watch people take advantage of the free head-shaving after Bugonia I turned in.

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Four

Sunday at the festival starts off slow, as Friday and Satrday nights are full of fun. I considered seeing Holy Boy in the first slot, but decided on a roundup of Indian shorts billed as “Fantastic India!” instead. Really more general SE Asian. I have learned to skip the shorts programming in general after several years of it just being a “how gross can we be” competition but there have been really interesting Indian movies the last two years so I thought I’d hit Indian shorts to get a smorgasboard. The shorts were:

From Me To You
  • Demons – a guy who just wants his heroin delivery man to top him explodes in gore when he takes the drug. And maybe there’s a supernatural creature of some sort? Short and serviceable, 3/5
  • Landfills of Desire – about the Rantas, some kind of Kashmiri witch. Mainly just some chick dressed up all goth walking around slash laying in a dining table while a voiceover alternates between cartoonishly ominous warnings about the rantas interspersed with 30 days of night style vampire shrieks. Marginal even for a film class. 1/5
  • From Me To You – very high budget looking cyberpunk Vietnam where there’s also aliens now living in a underclass similar to District 9. A sex tourist gets more than he bargained for with an alien prostitute. Really outstanding visuals but also themes. Outclassed all the other shorts by a wide margin. 5/5
  • The Last Ride – Mumbai cabbie trying to raise money for his sister’s dowry has misadventures ending with giving a ride to a witch but just like in the real world witches are the good guys compared to the cops! 4/5
  • Moti – COVID fable about a family dog that turns into a boy, or at least a boys body but is still a dog mostly. Well acted and tries to take the premise seriously but it was way too long and I got snoozy. 2.5/5
  • Night of the Bride – forcing a woman into a marriage with your rapey son is just good clean Indian fun, but when he’s also already dead it’s over the line. Good, short and to the point. 3/5
  • Rajas & the Wolf Girl – sweet, funny and strikingly animated short combining rotoscoped 2d for the main characters and 3d including mocap for the environment/secondary characters. Sideshow freaks need love too. No dialogue, just sounds, which was effective. Very cute and enjoyable. 4.5/5
  • Whodunit – a batch of Indian actors wait on roles, and apparently make this sketch while they wait as a demo reel. Fine for what it is but if you’re not casting Indian men in a movie give it a pass. 2/5

It was a solid set of shorts, only one aggravated me and two bored me, but the rest ranged from solid to really good! It’s good to see Indian cinema breaking out of the usual trenches. And a special shout-out, my favorite movie credit up till now has been “Vomit Monster” in Poltergeist 2 but now that’s rivaled by “Tongue Double” from From Me To You. And that tongue double worked overtime let me tell you.

Next slot, I decided on Marama over Crazy Old Lady, and Chocolate, which while it sounded fun (a Thai martial arts movie with an autistic girl that gets Taskmaster-type abilities from it) is from 2008 and available for home streaming so I watched it before the fest. 3/5, a servicable martial arts movie, goofy with good but not great fight sequences.

Marama is the first in a planned trilogy of Māori gothic horror movies! Our heroine Mary (Marama) is a Māori woman who was adopted by a British family as an orphaned baby, and she travels to a country estate in Britain based on a letter promising to reveal information about her birth family. Very well filmed and spooky! The first part evokes Jonathan Harper going to Dracula’s castle, but of course the real enemy is the Hated British. Good plot and supernatural elements, the tension ratchets up throughout even in scenes that could have become comical (the party where all the British are cosplaying as Māori and sailors and queens for example). Marama is freaked out by what’s going on but otherwise is a self-assured, strong woman, no screaming and running aimlessly down hallways in fear for her. Definitely worth a watch, gothic horror is so seldom done well any more and this is a fresh twist. Goes just a touch into cringe with the “Maori power” message, like, we get it. 4/5 stars.

After that I came out to discover a weird bloody mannequin, which bodes well because it was clearly there to advertise the next film on my schedule, Dolly!

Dolly – shot on film in the woods of Chattanooga, this is a Hills Have Eyes type slasher movie with a demented doll-faced woman (played by NWA wrestler Max the Impaler) victimizing some hikers. The main point is showing off gruesome practical special effects. Somewhat predicated on people not looking around at all when being stalked by a Jason type killer that, while way slower than their victims, somehow manages to Pepe Le Pew their way to jumping at them from out of frame a lot. Not really anything special, but at least you get to see Seann William Scott get mutilated. 2.5/5 stars.

I came out of this still going strong because I was committed to the full 5 screenings today! The next one was quite a left turn. It was up against Sisu 2, which is a big crowdpleaser and I liked Sisu, but it’ll be in theaters soon so I see no need to spend a fest slot on it.

Dawning (Demring) – A Norwegian film about three adult sisters who go out to a cabin in the woods to help the younger one recover from her latest suicide attempt. Then they get Ted Bundyed. (I enjoyed that one of the sisters pointed out the stranger with a sling on his arm asking for help with his busted car was a total Ted Bundy move as just two minutes before I had to restrain myself from shouting out “don’t go with that Ted Bundy looking m*********r!!!” in the theater. Of course, they went anyway, but I appreciated it.) Strikingly shot in black and white for the present and color for the voluminous flashbacks. It’s a weird proportion tonally – 2/3 of it is sitting around a cabin engaging in light sister-conflict and investigating their children-of-a-narcissist relationships with confessional scenes, flashbacks to interminable dinner parties, and so on, and then 1/3 is extremely brutal kidnap/murder. I think it’s trying to be about the cycle of life.  Decent but flawed tonally, you’d expect either more of the movie to be brutal or less. Though it does show how self-cutting can be a superpower in the right situation. 3/5 stars.

Finally, the late showing, which was the first Secret Screening of the fest. This is a FF tradition where they don’t release what they’re showing till you’re in the theater. Always big draws as this is where the jumbo premieres happen. I couldn’t get a ticket for it but I waited in the standby line and lucked out! The guy behind me (a soundtrack composer from Hollywood) was last in.

Silent Night, Deadly Night – a remake of the classic holiday horror film, where our protagonist kills one person a day in the lead up to Christmas while dressed as Santa Claus, encouraged by his own version of a dark passenger. But, you know, just bad people. He’s basically Advent Dexter. He stops off in a Hallmark movie type town and starts having a Hallmark movie type romance (though the girl has a real short temper) but the runs across another serial killer while trying to keep up with his own murder spree. It was really good and a fun horror/romance/comedy/thriller mashup, definitely worth a watch come holiday season! 4/5 stars.

And, we got a present with some goodies in it!

It was a long day but a good one, and we’ve just hit the halfway mark of the festival!

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Three

It’s a fine Saturday morning and the big weekend of the fest is here. They start a silent auction for parts of the diorama they used to film the “spooky church” trailer for the fest, which is cool – I’d love the big stained glass piece to put in my window but the bids immediately hit $500 and Lord only knows what they got to eventually.

In the 11 AM slot I saw a fun Italian/Chinese mashup action/romance, The Forbidden City.

The Forbidden CityA hidden away “second child” in China, who naturally is highly trained in kung fu (Yaxi Liu from Mulan), comes to Rome to find her sister who got sex trafficked to the one Chinese restaurant there.  She teams up with an Italian chef because it turns out his father ran off with her sister. She beats the absolute bejeezus out of crowds of goons and he provides pasta; they communicate via smartphone translation and the international language of love. The Italians are all very Italian, romantic and dramatic.  It’s like a martial arts Hallmark movie, and I mean that in the best sense.  It does need 30 minutes edited out of its runtime but otherwise it’s hen hao/molto bene. 3.5/5 stars.

I’d pay good money to watch Yaxi Liu from The Forbidden City fight Livia Cianata from Ikatan Darah, that would be quite a battle. $20 US on Livia though. Movies where the stars communicate via smartphone translation have gotten to be pretty common… I get it, but the novelty is starting to wear off.

The next film starred Mario Mayo, a Spanish actor who had wowed us at a previous year’s fest with “I’ll Crush Y’all,” which made up for a lack of polish with raw energy. This outing was… okay.

Luger A Spanish thriller about two low level thugs who recover a stolen car that ends up having a very historical and valuable Nazi Luger in it that everyone wants and don’t mind beating someone to death over. It’s one of those old style “Judgement Day” type thrillers where they go from chore to chore and threat to threat, get split up, get beat up, and so on. It was good, though the fascist threat angle was actually so subtle you could miss it, there’s not really a big “here are the Nazis” moment. They didn’t need to go over the top with it but I think dialing that up a little would have made it less generic, you could have used the same script with another Macguffin just as well. And it was a little slow. And our big bruiser Mario gets incapacitated early and stays out of the movie for a while, which is a bummer. 2.5/5 stars.

Next, do you like Black horror comedies? Well, then you’ll enjoy 1/3 of this next film.

Haunted Heist – Lil Rel Howery directs a Black horror comedy staffed by standup comedians, most notably Tiffany Haddish.  A guy gets out of prison and has his three old square school friends join him at an AirBnB, really an old house he heard from a guy (“Ratface”) inside he could make a big score at.  But – it’s haunted! By a super racist (they used slurs I’ve never even heard before and I’ve lived in both Texas and Memphis) married (?) couple of cultist ghosts!  This is a tough genre, either not funny (Haunted Mansion) or way over the line to stupid (all the Wayans type stuff).  But for the first third of the movie they hit a solid comedy but not slapstick vibe, like Tag or other modern post-Hangover work. Unfortunately it’s a delicate balance and once the first act pays off with a very funny scene (the protagonists try to summon their own spirit to combat the ghosts and, like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, all that comes to mind is Lil Rel’s mean dead grandmama), it starts to wobble in Act 2 with random info dumps and then crashes to the ground in Act 3 with endless monologuey dialogue as the four friends make up with each other for various beefs, slowly, for like 20 freaking minutes. And then a pointless resolution. So in the end the movie is not good, but the first third was solid and funny. Watch for free when it hits streaming until the grandma scene and then bail with a clear conscience, you will miss nothing. 1.5/5 stars.

A mess of weirdos provided entertainment between films – a crowd of folks paid to dress up for, I think, “The Strangers – Chapter 2“(?)

Luckily the fourth slot had a real banger – an older movie you can see on streaming currently, but they did a restoration of it and showed it at the fest and it beat out a lot of the newer movies in my book!

Before the Fall – a restoration of a 2008 Spanish film by F. Javier Gutierrez where everyone finds out a meteor is going to wipe out the Earth shortly.  Chaos ensues globally, but we spend the time with Ale, a marginal maintenance man in a dust-choked Spanish town. He doesn’t care about anything, but his mother becomes convinced that a child serial killer her other son thwarted back in the day is for sure one of the mass prison escapees and will want to spend his last days getting revenge on their family, so they head out to their house in the sticks where all his kids are staying alone – he and his wife were out of town and global transpo is down so they’re not gonna be back by meteor time, and the kids haven’t even heard about the impeding apocalypse as they are in a remote part of Spain that largely operates on dirt and static. 

Gritty, brutal, and viscerally shot. Taut pacing and ongoing reveals that continually deepen the plot and characters. A very well done film and it really hits you in the existential buttons, what do you do when the end is nigh? It never got wide release but was highly respected among those in the know; Wes Craven was working on an English language version when he died.  One of the best movies of the festival, even if not a new one! 4/5 stars.

We even got a promotional bar of soap for the movie. My next film didn’t start till 11:30 which was rough – and it sucked, which was rougher.

Folies Meurtrieres (aka Killing Spree)- a restoration of a French slasher movie from 1984. A jumpsuit-clad slasher chases a woman. She runs 3x faster than him but he plods after her like a pillowcase-masked Pepe Le Pew for 10 minutes and eventually pops out ahead of her to perform a gruesome murder. Cut, and… he chases another woman for 10 minutes and then cuts her up. Cut, and… he chases a third woman for 10 minutes and then cuts her up. No framing, no plot, just Casio keyboards, overexposed film, and a fetishistic look at murdering young women. After kill 3 I realized no plot was forthcoming and bailed. I’m glad it was “restored” because it looked and sounded super shitty and I can only imagine its original state. Sometimes old things are just bad. 1/5 stars.

Then I dragged myself home to catch a couple hours of sleep before the full slate before me on Day 4!

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day Two

The first full day of the fest, which means five movies! The first slot is usually around 11 AM, then 2 PM, then 5 PM, then 8 PM, then 11 PM. Then you stagger home at 2 AM, sleep, be in front of the computer to reserve your next day’s tickets at 10 AM sharp, and jump in the car to come back and do it again!

My first film of the day was The Ice Tower, an artsy French film. My backup was Her Will Be Done which I got to see later.

The Ice Tower.  Modern (well, 1970s) tale based on the Snow Queen fable by Hans Christian Andersen. Think Black Swan meets Frozen, but ultra French and impressionist.  A village girl runs away to the big city and becomes part of a film about the Snow Queen, played by superstar Marion Cotillard. Psychodrama ensues as she is lured/injects herself into the production. Do some of the scenes happen in the real world or a dream? What happens at the end? I’m not sure, but it’s stylish! Very slow, spare of dialogue, but it builds dramatic tension across its length.  I enjoyed it a lot but be warned… it’s very French. 4/5 stars.

Here’s a more coherent review of The Ice Tower if you’re intrigued.

The next movie was a Hong Kong action movie, Road to Vendetta.

Road to VendettaHong Kong cinema wants its John Wick back, so a lad working for an assassin network with a food delivery motif goes to Japan and a hot little Japanese girl leads him to loggerheads with the organization, even though they have to communicate via smartphone translation half the time. He teaches her to murder too!  Decent but not great, weird pacing. And the real rough transitions in HK films between comedy, melodrama, and brutality were ok back in the Hard Boiled days in the 1990s but they’ve had 30 years to sand down the rough edges but don’t seem to have done it. An acceptable weekend afternoon action watch. 2.5/5 stars.

For the third slot I had tickets to Reflections in a Dead Diamond (a Bond-ripoff movie?) which was my second choice after not getting into Shelby Oaks, but I decided to skip and go do D&D Trivia at the Highball! It was run by some friendly folks from Tiny Minotaur, a local fantasy themed tavern/art space.

And as you would expect from us here at Geek Related, I led my team “Bad Haircut” to a sound victory over the other two teams, “Rainbow Sparkles” and “Melf’s Magnificent Cunts.”

Next slot, I was tempted to stay for “Dungeons & Drag,” but skipping two movies in a row was too much for me. Turns out I should have listened to my instincts, because…

Vicious – the most generic modern supernatural horror movie ever made and that’s saying something. Creepy lady brings feckless young lady (Dakota Fanning) a box! The box demands “something you hate, something you love, and something you need!” Spoooooooky things happen with no justification or internal logic!  Random camera shots from film class with no thought to a consistent visual language are performed! “Scream when the phone rings a lot! Now cut one of your fingers off.  Now thrash and scream some more!  PHONE BUZZES!!! Movie done, budget diverted to cocaine!” Afterwards in the bathroom people were saying things like “something you hate, something you love, something that SUUUCKS!!!” True story. 2/5 stars.

The Ghost of Roger Ebert agrees with me on the merits of the film. It was so bad I just went home after instead of waiting nearly 2 hours for the midnight movie. I was supposed to see Silencio but I was demoralized and midnight movies are tough if you’re not in good shape.

But, it let me get off to a rested start for Day 3 and the start of the weekend at the fest!

Fantastic Fest 2025 – Day One

The first day is a partial one – an opening night party and big premiere on Thursday night. The Highball, the bar connected to the Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar that hosts the festival, was all Dungeons & Dragons decorated – they even had a dragon head set up atop the building outside like the Godzilla head in Shinjuku! Cosplayers in Renfaire garb filled the venue (advertising a “Hynafol” LARP event happening soon at a local Renfaire).

Then we had a lively opening band – Castle Rat! If you haven’t heard of them, they are an example of, uh, the “chick with a sword rock” genre? I’ve seen their videos on YouTube and it was cool to see them in person.

Then we had the big premiere of the first night, a movie called Primate, showing on most screens. There were a couple screens of something called Tree of Knowledge that also looked good, but I figured I’d start the fest off with the big crowdpleaser most folks were attending.

Primate – A young version of Florence Pugh (Johnny Sequoyah) comes home to Hawaii for college break with her girlfriends.  The family chimp gets rabies. Hilarity ensues, and by hilarity I mean faces getting ripped off. Nearly zero foreplay, they just get right to it. Interesting quirk in that the professor dad is deaf (the actor too) and so you get some chilling “can’t hear what is happening right around him” moments, though he’s not there for most of the film. Disappointing in that the monkey just goes to 100% murderchimp immediately, no slack for his family (you’d expect just a little bit of “maybe he won’t kill her!”, but the girl is immediately like “nope he’s gone”). Decent, but watch some murder chimp documentaries first to get in the mood. Coming to theaters in January. 3/5 stars, though I am rounding up to get there.

Then in the 11:00 PM slot for the faithful, I chose Ikatan Darah, an Indonesian film (I was tempted by the 4k Bride of Reanimator restoration, but I try to choose films it’ll be hard to see again vs easy to maximize my fest-time). And it was a hoot!

Ikatan Darah – The first film from Uwais Films – yes as in Iko Uwais from The Raid. An Indonesian family runs afoul of the mob and it falls to the daughter, a former national silat (Indonesian martial art) champion, to save them….  by increasingly awesome martial arts kills vs an ever freakier cast of bad guys! It doesn’t disappoint and there was lots of breathless applause after many of the knock-down-drag-out fight scenes.  She starts out normal and not wanting to kill anyone but as the stakes ratchet up she kills her first guy, is sad and pukes, and then as they kill her friends and stuff she goes no holds barred on them. The pacing was really good (sometimes modern foreign martial arts films either choose weird times to lag or cut confusingly from one scene to another). The crowd exclaimed (hollered, we’d say in Texas) at some of the more impressive and/or gruesome moves, which silat is particularly good at. I saw Uwais’ first film Merantau at my first Fantastic Fest back in 2009 and it’s been great to see the growth of his acting, and now production, career! 5/5 stars for sure.

Next, Day 2!

Dungeon Crawl Classics – A Year In

The last session marks a solid year of our gaming group playing in Paul’s DCC campaign. (He runs every other week while I run my Reavers Pathfinder campaign in alternate.) I thought it’d be a good time to do a retrospective on how we’re finding the game.

It’s going well! The zero-level funnel was fun and we’re all about third level now so not quite as squishy.

Dungeon Crawl Classics is – hard. Deliberately, that’s its deal. It’s easy to die.

Magic and healing come at a very sharp cost. At the low end it’s ability damage and at the high end it’s mutation and such. It’s very random, too, most of the rulebook is lengthy random tables for every spell. Powerful magic items get you the wrath of the gods and thus penalties. We have more hit points now but there’s plenty of ways to take lots of damage, ability damage, or straight up save or dies where your hit points aren’t a major impediment. Attack economy is an overwhelming factor – even at this level “six skeleton archers” are a holy-shit moment.

Wilderness travel threatens to kill us not just with random encounters but with fishing accidents and dysentery. Being outside a city is terrifying. (And most of the “cities” are just 20-ish primitive screwhead mud farmers; nowhere we’ve been has things like “shops”.)

And the flavor is gritty. Adventures are about wading through mud, and blood, and rat pus, and rotting flesh that sometimes wants to have sex with you. NPCs are all feckless, whether Lawful or Chaotic. Even our fellow party members – we’re friends, but we sometimes are working at cross-purposes especially when our various supernatural masters are involved. And there’s a price or downside for nearly everything.

And we like it!

I got a comment on a previous session summary saying “it doesn’t seem like you are having fun from reading the summaries!” Well, we are, but our characters aren’t, I’d say… Except for the rare occassion they manage to get a good meal and a bath the world pretty much sucks to live in. But we’re all old school gamers who played original D&D (and many other games) since the ’80’s and it’s a nice change of pace from the anime-superheroes power fantasy mode of modern gaming.

Now, the system is different in a good way from AD&D 0e/1e. Fighters have mighty deeds of arms, starting spellcasters can cast more than one spell a day (with risk), Luck gives everyone a chance to improve stuff a little. Early D&D, you had 2 hp, 1 spell to case, and otherwise were shit out of luck. So the system’s a little more textured and forgiving.

But they definitely have an adventure style (most of the ones we have played are written by DCC mega-author Harley Stroh) based on the grittiest of the 1e strain of modules.

But as we are grown ass men, the challenge is part of the point. It also rewards being smart; it is combat as war, not combat as sport. While being stupid can lead to death from trivial causes, very dangerous encounters can be made way easier with careful planning, positioning, and scheming. Traps and dungeoneering are less about rolls and more about reasoning. That’s the most engaging part of the game for me (well, and the roleplay, but in the game part) – being clever enough to reduce the risk of what’s going on. Within the limits of most of us being weird Chaotic freaks, we’re not like a SWAT team or anything. And magic is very unreliable, so it’s hard to count on in a plan.

Having six PCs definitely helps (though not much healing), and Paul knows how hard DCC is so usually runs underleveled adventures for us. And we’ve gamed together for a while, so we know how we tend to think and act in combat.

Also, the cool thing about this is that you get additional powers not just from “leveling”, but from weird artifacts and Gygaxian pools and doodads and boons and stuff, so we are able to flex our characters in desired ways without having “a feat for that”.

The characters are shaping up well, I think, for being randomly generated!

  • Podrick (Patrick) is our Lawful knight-wannabe, so is our impetus to do “good things” plot wise, and is a very effective tank and has a good magic spear.
  • Gallfred Weasel (Bruce) with his Cloak of Cheret the Lost is so stealthy that we forget about him (and in extremis, he even forgets about himself).
  • Mordecai (Matt) has become a very powerful and very Chaotic gish (wizard but with armor and sword) and is enjoying necromancy and becoming ghoulish. The necromancy rules make it a little tough to get actual zombies which frustrates him. “You get an undead… upper torso!”
  • Old Man Fish (Chris) has struggled a little game rule-wise; as a ranger he has an animal companion but it’s his horse and doesn’t come in dungeons; he is an archer but has low damage. Personally he’s always a solid part of the group though, is often my fellow “plan guy” and has been helpful in the wilds (though some of those rolls require stats he is low in). Later on he gets healing and rage and stuff to fill it in.
  • Ned (Tim) is definitely a fan of the weirdo mutation part of being a wizard, it’s actually hard to keep up with his bug infestation and tentacles and dirt fetish. Man he can magic missile the shit out of things if he rolls well!
  • Hemp the Weaver (me) has tripled down on archery which works out well; force projection is important in a combat-as-war game. He has a side gig in being the party tailor which is fun.

Everyone’s got a good personality and a good schtick. And an overall plot is emerging – it was just random stuff but now it’s gelling around an evil monster king sending bullshit our way, so fighting against that is unifying. Lawful and Chaotic folks alike love to kill evil kings!

Bruce (who is our usual session summary scribe) adds his thoughts:

The game system does a nice job of giving each of the classes a trick that makes them useful in a (relatively) unique way during gameplay – the traditional OSR issue of fighter-types gradually becoming first just a huge well of (defensive) hit points, and then becoming entirely optional appurtenances of the heavy-artillery wizards is something the rules deal with nicely. I’ve personally really appreciated the easy regenerability of Thief LUCK – balanced by the fact that to effectively use Thief skills I end up with a character that cannot stand even close to the front lines.

As regarding the campaign, the ongoing sequence of character quests gives the players a good ability to guide the world. I’ve very much appreciated that. Paul has done a good job of mitigating the “only one shall survive!” nature of the mostly convention-oriented adventures. Adventures built with the idea of integrating more into an ongoing campaign would be useful, but perhaps not something that is as worthwhile to publish. The idea that characters can undergo remarkable transformations of nature that are overall a benefit (with some drawbacks), and that this is more common than outright curse effects that are nothing but bad, promotes more character experimentation, which is ultimately better for gameplay.

Sinners Vampire Powers

I saw the hit movie Sinners last night and it was awesome! Like From Dusk Till Dawn but, frankly, better. The first musical sequence was one of the most successful “mix real world and dreamtime/spirit world” sequences ever made.

But this isn’t a movie review, it’s taking a hot new vampire power for your Pathfinder or Dungeons & Dragons game!

So the Irish vampire lord slash… demon? Remmick (expertly played by Jack O’Connell) had the ability to know everything his new vampire thralls knew in life. I’m not talking about that, though that’d be fine – but there seems to be a somewhat similar but way more limited effect on the newly made vampire spawn. They don’t appear to know everything the master does or have a hivemind, but they all appear to specifically inherit his Irish singing and dancing abilities. (Unless he just happened upon two crackers who were pro musicians to kill by pure chance.) In fact, you could perhaps frame it as the master is able to pass one of his skills down to his spawn.

I realized that this is the key to a lot of vampire group creation in D&D type games and is a brilliant idea. Because in general adventure creators always want to put together a bunch of similar vampires. A vampire band! A vampire ninja clan! A vampire monastery! A vampire Wall Street firm!

And currently adventure writers get that by:

  • In the lore, the vampire spends a super long time assessing candidates and only vamps ones with the desired skills. Very rare.
  • In the lore, the vampire came across an existing group of semi identical folks and vamped them. Fairly common.
  • Cheat and just say “whatever, all these vampires have Stealth +12 even though they were just random villagers because I need it for the plot, man.” Most common.

But, a small, thematic, and frankly just practical addition to the vampire’s Create Spawn power could just be “the master can bestow [one of his skills/his highest level skill] upon a spawn.”

In the world of super complicated PF2e type rulesets I’m sure that’s abusable, so you could add some level cap or something, “they become proficient in the skill and gain max ranks available at their character level.” Maybe the vampire has to just pick one skill forever, or maybe it’s locked to whatever their highest ranked skill was when they became a vampire. “Well, I guess we need Profession: stringed instrument based attack plans boys, that’s what I was good at in life!”

Create Spawn (Su)

A vampire can create spawn out of those it slays with blood drain or energy drain, provided that the slain creature is of the same creature type as the vampire’s base creature type. The victim rises from death as a vampire in 1d4 days. This vampire is under the command of the vampire that created it, and remains enslaved until its master’s destruction. A vampire may have enslaved spawn totaling no more than twice its own Hit Dice; any spawn it creates that would exceed this limit become free-willed undead. A vampire may free an enslaved spawn in order to enslave a new spawn, but once freed, a vampire or vampire spawn cannot be enslaved again.

A vampire created in this way inherits the master’s highest ranked skill, becoming proficient in it as a class skill and gaining ranks in the skill equal to its character level.

What do you think?

Heck you could add it as an option. Since his vampire spawn were getting up in minutes not days, clearly he had “Improved Create Spawn” where if you make spawn they are up in 1d4 minutes not 1d4 days and get one of your key skills.

You could make any of this work on vampires and not vampire spawn or vice versa (in Pathfinder these are different, vampire spawn aren’t a template they’re just like “ghouls” in other-vampire-fiction parlance, and a vampire can choose to make new full vampires or just vampire spawn).

RPG Review: Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide

Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide

I love the world of Golarion, Paizo’s default game world for the Pathfinder RPG. I was a subscriber to basically everything that came out for Pathfinder first edition and have been running a Pathfinder campaign for some 15 years now (and played in many of their Adventure Paths myself). PF2e wasn’t different enough to convince me I should spend thousands more dollars on the same content again, but the Lost Omens line is about Golarion world content, and I buy those from time to time.

And since my current game is about pirates traveling from place to place, the idea of the Pathfinder Lost Omens Travel Guide, which “presents the highlights of the Inner Sea region to help any and all curous travelers plan where to go and what to see,” was super intriguing. I got it recently and read it cover to cover! I assumed what I’d get would be like a travel guide – here’s what to expect of the sights and sounds, but also practical details, of going to various places in Golarion.

Bottom line up front – it’s OK. There is some great content and some complete misses. And that’s a challenge – as a hardback with 124 pages of actual content for $40, I’m paying a buck for every three pages so each three pages should be worth a buck to me in content. Some groups of pages met that burden and some did not. It’s very uneven. There were some chunks of great Golarion content and then there are chunks of content that I can only call “generic medieval fantasy for dummies.” Let’s get into it.

I got in a bad mood early reading this book but it picks up later. We start with a two-page “introduction” spread containing zero content written by, not a Pathfinder whose name we know from somewhere, but some rando fake fantasy editor.

Time & The Calendar

The book starts with a six page section on “Time & The Calendar”. It names the days and months – something we already know from the world guide – and adds a little bit of helpful flavor, like which day is usually a market day. It confusingly adds “common names” for the months. “Abadius, alternately called Prima.” Alternately by… Who? Why? Where? We’ve been using the primary names for decades in Pathfinder world now, so this a weird add that doesn’t expand our direct usability of the world. Do they use these different names in… Garund? Are they formal “Latin Church” type names the educated would use vs. peasant terms? Who knows. Then a quick justification for the laziness of using the same calendar across the world (There was a war! People agreed!) and then, super frustratingly, some alternate calendars like the Tian Xia Imperial calendar that date from a different year. OK that’s cool. What year? Who cares, apparently.

This is a gripe I’m going to come back to. World content that is actually *useful to players, in play* has some very specific requirements. If we’re going to say “Ah the guy from Tian Xia says back in IC 123”, we should be able to say “oh and that’s equivalent to AR 2500.” But this book just doesn’t bother with that. GURPS was the game that really got this right. I didn’t play a lot of GURPS but I own 20-30 of their sourcebooks because they mastered the art of taking fictional content and boiling it down to what you needed in play. GURPS Conan tells you how much a broadsword costs in Scythia and what differences you, a person wandering in the world, are going to see and encounter. I would get GURPS supplements when planning to run a game in that setting in another game system because their value was distilling the fiction down to usable, tangible specifics relevant to PCs exploring a world.

Then we have a quick historical timeline – again, from other sources, without any kind of effort to make it “what today’s peasant understands” or the like, and then time constructs broken down by race. (We’re supposed to call “races” “ancestries” now but bah to that.) More than 50% of the pages have big graphical sidebars that are not super useful.

Everyday Life

Next, a sizable 12-page section on “Everyday Life.” Here’s where we get into some trouble. Much of this is “Life in a Medieval Village Lite” generalities about what some abstract generic Golarion medieval European does in their life, but less focused on historical realism and more what a fantasy anime village does. “Get up early to tend the livestock!” “People on the water fish!” “Nomads travel!” is the level of detail here. No Golarion insight, like “here’s what a peasant in Andoren’s day is like vs a Bonuwat fisherman vs a Varisian nomad” – nope. Next is a long section on languages, which has the helpful point “Common/Taldane and Tien are trade languages commonly spoken, but not well, because people tend to speak their actual local language.” I said that in one sentence but they took half a page. Then a bit on ancient languages, which I’m not sure how it’s relevant to the alleged travel guide format. Next we have some more generic fantasy content – a full page spread on a “rural home” and an “urban home.” You know, a generic one that is certainly identical across an entire world. These helpfully explain what a “Yard” and a “Bedroom” are. Next, a couple pages on what “Rural Life” is like (is that not “Everyday Life” in Golarion?). This has some dross like “did you know there’s not as many restaurants out in the sticks” but some actual value, just padded. “Out in the sticks people tend to trade in barter instead of paying each other coins, but they’ll take yours” is another sentence you can replace a half page with, and “people tend to not be monotheistic, but revere the various gods in charge of whatever they’re doing at the time; farming, hunting, dying, sailing, etc.” same thing. Like, great clarification, just padded to all hell. And then we have an actual useful little bit saying what a house costs.

Then we have a two page spread on “Rural fashion” indicating that our generic rural peasant might wear a “Hat” and a “Work Apron” and if they fish, perhaps “Fishing Galoshes.” This is where I started to get angry and fear that I’d dumped $40 on one of those shitty big-board books you find in the discount section of bookstores that are like “a castle, for kids!” kind of things.

We run through the same lengthy content for Urban Life, which has more restaurants and more monotheism, and a fashion spread, which indicates more of a love for parasols and pouches than the dirt people. But make sure and ethically source your hat feathers because “the collection of feathers can do a lot of damage to bird populations, and activist groups have begun to protest them.” No I am not kidding. I mean, I guess since slavery and racism and all the other evils have been solved we may as well. (In the interest of PC-ness, everyone including the most evil of evil realms all outlawed slavery in the last couple years between Pathfinder 1e and 2e.)

Festivals & Holidays

I assume it’s because of assigning out sections to different authors and not a lot of time spent editing, but we had some festivals in the calendar section and now we have another semi-redundant 8 page festival section. This one’s OK – it notes a bunch of holidays and festivals with actual locations/deities/context on them, which is great, but with no information on any of them that would be useful to someone traveling there.

There’s no excuse for that. I went to Japan last summer and the travel guide packed in 5x as much information (these 8 hardback pages equal 16 real travel guide pages, which manage to give you a little about what a given festival may actually entail and look like and be about). They do add a little flavor in the 6 pages they use to show some dress for a couple of the festivals, but the density and focus is a problem. In a full page spread on the Cayden Cailean festival of Merrymead, we have a random super dark piece of art that indicates a reveler may well have a “handkerchief.”

But how would you do this better, you ask? OK so near me in Galveston, TX, they have a Christmastime “Dickens on the Strand” festival:

Dickens on The Strand is Galveston’s annual winter holiday street festival bursting with live entertainment on multiple streets, including strolling carolers, roving musicians, bagpipers, jugglers, and a crowd of entertainers and costumed revelers, all dressed in period formal Victorian garb like formal dresses and stovepipe hats and eating cold-weather treats like roasted chestnuts and drinking mulled wine.

Bam. Concise but focuses on what you’ll actually do, what it’ll feel and look like (cold! festive! music in the air! fake old-timey formality!). And you could fit 5 of those (easily) per page so you get more coverage – the problem with a book like this is if your campaign is set in place X and focuses on deities Y and so on, the chance that one of the 4 padded out holidays they cover is going to be relevant is low. Do 30 in that format, and you’re good to go. Or dig more into each one, but dang the content per dollar is low in this section. I get art is expensive, but blowing up a drawing of a copper piece to take a full 1/8 page spread just makes me spend more of my money on it too.

Trade

And that segues us into the Trade section. The church of Abadar works to validate contracts and balance interest rates across the Inner Sea. Some of this is great, some of it gets into weird “fantasy modern”. (They have things to detect if goods have been teleported somewhere to try to profit! No one would want to buy teleported goods! I’m glad we have a super high magic solution to all those level 10 wizards trying to profit off teleporting lingonberries to the Mwangi Expanse!).

They have a full page spread with 4 coins – which is nice, it’s nice to have an example, oh look here’s what an Absalom platinum piece looks like and is called. But again, it’d be better with then a list of 10 other things they’re called in other places and maybe a “and they are all little bars instead of coins in Druma” or something.

A two page spread, one page of which is a map, has trade routes of the Inner Sea. Now we have the first truly useful worldbuilding. (I knew most of this from extensive research I did planning my pirate game, but it wasn’t all in one place previously.) So trade tends to flow in these routes, which has transport implications, pirate implications, and so on. The main drawback here is they don’t really get into what kinds of things are traded. “Goods! You know… Goods from Casmaron!” Cool story bro.

It’s followed by a 2 page spread on trade goods but again we’re back to generic anime fantasy content not Golarion content. Did you know people might trade in metals, fish, wine, leather, cloth? Who exactly? Eh, who cares. This is 2 full pages of “No shit Sherlock” with extensive spending of the art budget on 20 illustrations of “A pile of bricks. A pile of lumber. An ingot of gold.” I pray they reused these off some item deck somewhere or something.

Cuisine

There’s some gems in here but a lot of it is that generic fantasy-ish content again. “People like to eat pork! And stew!” There’s blah fantasy bits (behir caviar is tasty) but also some actual Golarion content in places, but I think it sometimes is harmed by a common problem. Technically Golarion is the entire world, then Avistan and Garund the two most prominent continents in products, and then “the Inner Sea” is technically the Mediterranean that’s between the two. So “One unique aspect of Inner Sea cooking is the prevalence of olive oil.” Fair enough. But because all the world products are called “Inner Sea,” and cover places obviously not in the Inner Sea (Fantasy Norway! Fantasy Kenya!), it’s not clear where they’re saying that’s narrowly vs tightly scoped and it harms diversity. “The northern shore of the Inner Sea uses olive oil in its cooking, while the southern shore predominantly uses palm oils” would add some diversity and some clarity as to range in the same space.

Same deal with spices, you get an actual useful bit about pepper from Varisia’s Mushfens being popular, but then just a laundry list of other spices that I guess are everywhere because we have Fantasy Kroger’s. “Basil, dill, rosemary, coriander,…” makes it sound like everyone in the world of Golarion has easy access to the store brand of all 20 common spices.

A bit on drinks, a 2 page graphical layout of “A Noble’s Feast” (no location) is again discount bookstore fare. Just even make it an example Taldan noble’s feast or something; the world of Golarion basically has “all real world areas and cultures” represented.

Drinks of Ilizmagorti

Then we have 2 recipes which are just excuses to stick recipes in a book because people like that nowadays and 4 cocktail recipes. They have a lot of ice in Northern Garund (think Morocco) do they? I wish they didn’t do the full recipes but just gave some rundowns.

Some of the most useful content I’ve pulled from other sources is like in Cities of Golarion that covered Ilizmagorti, it said it’s a bit of a foodie town and pub crawls are big and here’s a list of representative cocktails. My PCs still say Ilizmagorti was “the best place to party” in my long term pirate campaign mainly because I used this. Notice the conciseness and richness of detail. This entire sidebar takes the space they used for one cocktail recipe in the Travel Guide. “That drink that was just the squeezin’s!” still gets mentioned time to time years later.

Fashion

I mean… So maybe I misunderstand the point of this book. Maybe it’s for 12 year olds who have never done any basic learning about the world or history, and it’s very helpful for them to understand “Silk is an animal fiber like wool.” But it’s billed as a Golarion travel guide God damn it!!! “You can have a beautician do your nails.” The first page is annoying but the second is actually good, it’s fashion trends from Queen Anastasia of Irrisen and Queen Edasseril of Kyonin – sure, Queen fashion trends will travel, that makes sense, it gives me some actual details to put into a real game. “As you look around the high end salon, you see many of the women have real or tailored flowers and leaves adorning the ends of their sleeves and the lower parts of their skirts.” They ask, and “Oh, it’s all the fashion because the Queen of Kyonin a couple countries over is wearing that.” Bam, world immersion.

They keep it up for a while – garb of a student in the Magaambya (fantasy Africa) vs Ustalav (fantasy Transylvania), some New Thassilon driven fashion, some modern anarchist fashion. But we edge back into generic with Accessories. “Handbags! Aprons!” Some are ok though and add world flavor- “Shoanti Tattoos! Varisian Scarves!” The latter help me, the former – I guess it reminds me some people carry purses?

Art & Architecture

I’m going to spare you belaboring the details of this chapter, it’s a mix of generic claptrap with occassional useful examples of some real artists in Golarion, including at least one, Ailson Kindler, that is actually from Golarion lore and not just net new made up, which is great.

Some architectural styles are covered which is good – and finally a bit that is what you would expect in an actual fricking travel guide, famous structures! Go to Riddleport and see the Cyphergate! Go to Osirion and see the pyramids! Each with an illustration.

Pastimes

This is where the generic claptrap to useful world content ratio starts to get a little better. On the one hand, “people collect flowers and shit to entertain themselves.” On the other, we have log rolling popular on the Sellen, people around Lake Encarthan love whittling little big-eyed stylized animals… That I can use to make PCs feel more like they’re in a distinct location.

And then they have extensive rules for “Golem”, which is basically normal poker except there’s a “best hand” made from the discards that can win, and “Basilisk,” a popular sport (though again, popular *where*??? Across Fantasy Tunisia to Fantasy Colombia to Fantasy France? Come on man.).

It ends with a sample Basilisk team, the Riddleport Rollers. OK great! My campaign started in Riddleport! Here’s the goaltender, Mujaika the Wall, who looks like a Mualijae elven woman. Perfect! Ok that’s real PC-interactable world content. Meet them on a ship going to <nearby place>. Party with them. Get pulled into a skirmish game on a beach somewhere, learn the game. That’s a whole game session driven off world content. More please.

Crime & Law

Generic. “Wherever you are… Robbery gets you 20 lashes and 1 to 5 years hard labor.” It makes the content wasted. Call it an example legal code from the Isle of Kortos, have a half page of “well in place X they have wandering judges, in place Y they don’t punish violence much because they victim blame, in place Z conviction is based on a vote from all the citizens that can be bothered to show up in the town square…” and you’re making world content.

Then a two page spread of wanted posters. I “wanted” to like them but they immediately showed the confusion between the “generic objective set of laws” and the practice, since some of the wanted are for doing good acts somewhere that didn’t appreciate them. And no location on most of them.

Now two pages on “headquarters”, with an example furniture shop hiding a thieves’ guild and an Irrisen cop precinct. You really have to squint to see this as Travel Guide material, though I guess you could say the chance a traveller in Irrisen will end up in a lot of cop precinct houses is fair.

What People Know

This is one of the things I have specific expectations around. Too often fantasy worlds are portrayed as people know everything in the setting book. What happened 5000 years ago? Of course a random bog farmer knows about it. Luckily I found this section strong. People have different creation myths, their knowledge of history is generally that “well Aroden started the age of man like, a long time ago, and he died recently and things suck.” What’s the Shining Crusade? “I don’t know but I heard of it.” Realistic, I like it. Introduces the concept of “microregions” where knowledge tends to locally pool – three countries fighting each other have a general shared knowledge, but one country over they may not know much about them. In the Mwangi Expanse, most people know about the Magaambya and welcome traveling scholars from there, and know to be wary of Nagisa and Usaro. This is good info to help show things from ‘the locals’ perspective’ without the locals knowing everything because, you know, they’re primitive savages mostly.

Magic

While this should have more local flavor incorporated besides the obvious “Rahadoum doesn’t allow divine magic,” it’s a good look into what the common man understands. They know magic exists though may not have experienced it; wizards are probably upper class; priests are a little more special because, you know, gods… It also says that many people have some kind of inherent magical knack that they have never trained to the level of “spells” but maybe some of the random superstitious crap they do actually has some effect (folk magic). Good.

Then we have a REAL weird section. I don’t know why it’s in this book and it seems like a pretty major thing to introduce. It turns out whenever you cast a spell you have a bunch of CGI runes that appear around the caster with some specific meanings to them and their colors and fonts and stuff. I mean, this is how it kinda worked in the Pathfinder comics, but this is a strange place to make a canon introduction of what spellcasting looks like in Pathfinder. It definitely means casting every single spell is super obvious, which is a problem for the more stealth casters and enchantments, illusions, and so forth, but eh. Anyway, I don’t know why it’s in this book.

Same deal with a two page spread on spellcaster lairs. This is a travel book man.

Folklore & Mythology

This is cool. Creation myths and differences from place to place. Some example fables and fairy tales. Some ghost stories, some legendary figures. A little more formal than a travel guide would bear but still, good Golarion world content. A bunch of local superstitions, this is totally what I wanted out of this book. In place X a given color or animal or number is lucky/unlucky for a random reason so the locals do something colorful time to time.

Then a full two page tale of a Garundi hero. Nice, though pushing the page count to usability in game ratio.

Religion

More good stuff. Common religious practices, specific things to note per region, religious events & observances, religious iconography. “Gozreh’s worshippers among the Ulfen see the deity’s duality as fire and ice, rather than the wind and the waves… [they] carry iron ice picks…” This is “good” worldbuilding.

Then we have a section with some pantheons. This is “bad” worldbuilding and let me explain why. The concept of a pantheon is great. Normal people don’t pick one god in this kind of polytheistic world, they generally have a set that makes sense in their area and life. Out in farm country in Andoren that’s more like the US Midwest, most folks worship the “Hearth and Harvest” pantheon of X, Y, and Z. That’s cool. These specific ones, however, fall into the min-maxers’ trap of putting together anything from any source with no in-game reason. These pantheons are not local but are often “across the Inner Sea,” and have deities from all kinds of places – Mazludeh, the ruling angel of Holomog, which basically no one has been to and whose worshipers are just described as “Holomog” – suddenly part of a pantheon for people 1000 miles away to use because their “domain” fits into an arbitrary list. Asian gods? European gods? African gods? Native American gods? Nonhuman gods? Sure, mix ’em all together with no justification.

I will never use any of these. And it’s a missed opportunity. Make them hyperlocal and have deities that make fricking sense in them. It’s OK if one is foreign if there’s a reason! I could buy an Asian (Tien) god in a Viking (Ulfen) pantheon because the trade route to fantasy Asia goes through fantasy Norway and there was a whole Adventure Path about it, so maybe one imported deity filled a spot that was kinda missing with the locals so it’s all Thor Loki Odin and samurai lady, fine. But you can’t just say “I’ll pull all the gods from all the regions that have academics in their list of domains and call that a pantheon.”

Nature & Animals

A section on what wildlife, not just monsters, you’ll find as you travel around, like the bowing deer of Nara!

No, I’m kidding, it’s 2 pages of basic PETA propaganda about coexisting with bears and not polluting and stuff. What the absolute fuck. I mean, I agree with it, I was a Boy Scout, but “stuff I personally agree with” is NOT GOOD GAME CONTENT, something that both Paizo and WotC have completely forgotten.

But then we get a page spread of 10 illustrated flora and 10 illustrated fauna, with actual Golarion locations they live in. This is good.

And then two pages of random new herbalist concoctions. Which would be fine in some random Complete Guide to Herbalists but this is a TRAVEL GUIDE. Not “a herbal concoction you can only find in Hermea,” it’s just generic rules content.

And then 2 pages of pets you can buy, including some actual unique and location-dependent ones. Arcadian opossums tolerate being dressed up in little outfits well so they’re popular pets among the white trash of ancient America. OK that’s great!

Finally a 2 page spread of monster locations with a map – reefclaws are abundant south of the Eye and manticores are endemic to the Mindspin Mountains. This is good content but there should be 10x the amount of it, cut some of the flavor text and you could have instad of 6 small blobs on a big world map, more coverage to where whereever your campaign is set, there’s a place renowned for a given kind of monster nearby.

Like, I can’t get over that for every 2 pages of useful content I’m paying for 2 additional pages of dross, and at this hardback cost that’s a buck per three pages.

Weather & Climate

Some good information on the climate in many microregions, with a big but very hard to read map of climactic areas (the legend is miniature and relies on some pretty complicated patterns not just colors). Now if this had a random weather table per region, it would be good game content. As it is, it just tells me that in Fantasy North Africa it’s desert like I would expect from having been through the 7th grade. I don’t hate it but I don’t love it.

Then we have a 2-page spread on natural disasters (normal style) and a 4-page spread on weird supernatural specific weather events that if you, like, vibe with you can get some kind of effect. If you stay outside for a day in the Blood Rains of Ustalav you can make a DC 24 check to maybe get a benefit for a week, or if you f that roll up maybe you get tuberculosis. That’s fun specific world content and Travel Guide worthy. “Travel to Droskar’s Crag, and if you’re lucky enough that it’s spewing ash at the time, rumor is you’ll be protected from the cold when you go back home!”

The Stars

This section talks about the moon, the stars, the constellations (Fantasy Zodiac), moon phases… It’s ok almanac content but does “Moon Phases” need to be an entire 2 page spread? This is one of those “completionist” things that can exhaust PCs. If one or two moons a year are important that’s great, if every single full moon of the year has a special name and meaning and stuff, it becomes hard to care and it’s hard to believe most of the populace does either. At most you’re in an inn in a small town and someone’s grandma is nattering on about how this is the “sweet moon” because it’s around when the berries ripen. Thanks, boomer.

Then we have some astrological backgrounds rules because of course you have to have character options even in a travel book because it’s Pathfinder.

Then they have a 4-page glossary and index, which is actually great because they just toss off random names from all across Golarion and I read the book in one hand while I looked up random deities and stuff with an iPad in the other. (I wish I had known the glossary was there before I got to it, lol, though really hitting PathfinderWiki is better.)

Conclusion

I know I griped a lot. I expected a Travel Guide that does what it says on the back cover, and I think that’s a fair fricking expectation. Fodor’s Guide/Lonely Planet Guide to Golarion would be a great book. If they hired someone from Lonely Planet and had them read 100 lbs. of Golarion lore and said “make a travel guide and make up stuff that’s not in the infodump” I’d pay $100 for it and buy copies for my players. This isn’t that book. But it does have some good Golarion content. There’s animals and stories and art and fashion movements to mine to include in actual Pathfinder games set in the world to add versimilitude.

The “bad” content – most of it isn’t bad per se, just in the wrong book or full of padding. Some is weirdly basic (Did you know in really cold climates people wear winter coats? Here’s a picture of a random winter coat that looks suspiciously like the one Bespoke Post tried to sell me today) and some is weirdly in depth wonkiness (The third full moon of the year is…). The only part I said “no this is wrong and bad for Golarion” is the random-deity pantheons.

If it was a $30 softback I would say it’s a clear buy. As a $40 hardback of 124 pages of which maybe 60 will ever see use… That’s tough. If you’re fairly well off, I guess. I don’t regret buying it but I have plenty of disposable income. If I bought this at age 23 during my first job out of school I’d try to return it.

Fantastic Fest 2024 – The Fair to Bad

Not everything’s a winner. But it’s a range, the 4’s you might like if they’re your thing… The ones I rated 1-2 I have trouble understanding how anyone would like, but someone made them!

I, The Executioner (4/10)  was a perfectly serviceable Korean cop thriller movie, a sequel to 2014’s “Veteran,” apparently with the same Major Crimes squad from the first. A serial killer is killing people who got off easy from the justice system and they must catch him. Like a PG rated Se7en. It was OK. Some action but not “whoa check out that martial arts or gun fu” level. A lot of modern Korean film including this seems like watered down versions of what already exists. Not much more to say, watch it if you are bored and are really into Korean shows.

Frankie Freako (4/10) is a silly retro puppet movie starring Fake Young Dana Carvey and Fake Chrissy Tiegen where the hopelessly square husband calls the “Frankie Freako” 1-900 line to try to get less bland and suddenly little Garbage Pail Kids type puppets are tearing up his house. It is a reference to “Freddie Freaker” from the late ’80’s.  It’s lightly entertaining but not great – who is this for?  It’d be PG if not for an explicit neck wound and bear-trapped leg – content wise otherwise it’s solidly there’s at 11-12 year olds.  Like, Gremlins is spicier.  They could have gone hard R with it and had Frankie showing Fake Dana Carvey how to Eiffel Tower Fake Chrissy Tiegen and play up the gore, but no, “freaky partying” is drinking Fart Cola and spray painting the living room.  The puppets didn’t have much funny dialogue either, just “let’s get freaky!” I didn’t hate it, it kept me engaged, but I don’t know who it’s for that would pay to see it.

Disembodied aka Aberration (4/10) is a 4k remaster of a 1998 film that you would swear was a surrealist horror movie from the ’60’s. A lady takes a room (technically, the boiler room) in the worst hotel ever and then decorates her room with her jarred brain and bathtub full of, uh, vaginal nodules and then starts growing oozing lumps.  And is being tracked by an Evil Colonel Sanders looking guy from the Plasmaster Corporation. Luckily her next door hooker friend is on her side.  Very gooey and trippy. The dialogue is hilarious but there’s not enough of it, with large parts having the put-me-to-sleep effect of slow moving old time horror. There is *lots* of vaginal imagery but no actual vaginas. Unclear resolution on the ending. This movie does not look great, I shudder to imagine it prior to this uplift work. I mean, I get the guy made it in his spare time with his spare money but 1998 horror movies were like “The Faculty” and “Ringu” and this looks like one of the “we just got out of the black & white era” films on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Universal Language (4/10) is an absurdist – comedy? – that merges a fantasy post-Quebec independence Canada with Iran and is in half French and half Farsi, with Tim Hortons becoming a samovar-bearing tea house.  Which is cool but… I struggled to find a point and even to stay awake (and this was a 2:30 PM showing). There was some fun to be had seeing some Persian kids from the French immersion school wandering around on their youthful shenanigans in a snow-covered beige-building-filled Alberta that kinds looks like a sand-covered beige-building-filled Iran but other than that it was a bunch of visually interesting scenes where you felt like “this must MEAN something” but it’s totally opaque what besides the single obvious family regret angle. It has mood and technique but plot and acting not so much. I loved last year’s Moroccan art house film by Sofia Alaoui, Animalia, and Ana Lily Amirpour’s A Girl Walks Home At Night; it’s not like I can’t get behind weird slow Middle Eastern stuff, I just didn’t get this one. I was briefly excited by the appearance of an “eclairagiste” in the credits and I thought they might have an eclair expert on staff but it just means lighting tech.  Fucking Quebec.

Baby Invasion (3/10) defies easy explanation. It doesn’t have plot – at best you could say it has a loose conceit of people streaming themselves performing home invasions using baby face filters with comments streaming over the screen with a deafening techno as the entire soundtrack, but interspersed with trippy random Unreal Engine computer graphic kaleidoscopic… scenes? Segments? Anyway, even writing this down makes it seem more coherent than it is. Though strangely it’s not terrible; I could sit through it without intense regret. Not that I would recommend it; it’s the kind of thing that should just play on a big screen during a rave or something. Oddly non-graphic content wise though, possibly because the budget was “a dozen yo-yos and their airsoft gun collection and one guy who can use Unreal Engine.” And it is impressive the sheer volume of twitch stream comments they generated, thousands and thousands.

Ick (2/10) is a high school horror movie like The Faculty, but less subtle and played constantly at x2 speed. I am not exaggerating; I thought maybe we were just starting with a double-speed flashback or title scene but no it just kept going like that. No time for emotional beats or memorable sights, just ultrafast self-aware basic GenZ quips and CGI death. And 30-ish 2000s pop-punk needle drops. Not only did I not like it, now I am nursing a headache. The filmmaker wanted to make “a PG-13 starter horror movie for his 13 year old.” Maybe just put them on ADHD meds instead.

Zenithal (1/10, no link I can find which is probably for the best) is a wild mistake of a French movie about, I guess, penis oriented martial arts? Which could be goofy fun in concept, but then there were zero martial arts – or penises, except for the blurred/clothed three foot penis of the victim who was found “dick-capitated.” The height of humor here is practicing “Sexkido” and “being less genital and more zen-ithal.” If you are not guffawing by now then this movie has nothing for ya. Production value hovers around “don’t spend more than $20 on set dressing” level. And there’s a weird choice to make it very much like it’s a sequel to a previous movie (it’s not) and relying on alluded to prior events to make you give a crap about any of these characters. I made it 3/4 of the way through and finally the 20 minute long speech from the incel villain kept putting me to sleep and I just left. Come on, French people can do martial arts movies! District B-13! This made me sad and angry and sleepy. But I guess I’m happy the French are swinging for the fences, we get Planet B out of them in the same year, so if this is the price we have to pay, OK.

And that’s the Fantastic Fest 2024 roundup! Only two real stinkers and a lot of good stuff, I really enjoyed the programming this year.